Well, this is super embarrassing. It looks like I must have gotten myself pretty turned around back there and totally missed My destination. I hate to ask, but I was hoping I could catch a ride back to Earth with you guys, because I somehow wound up returning to Mars by accident.I know, I know, I am a freaking moron.Man, this sucks. I really thought it was just a straight shot from My seat at the right hand of the Father down to His earthly kingdom, but obviously I was mistaken. Which is extra humiliating considering Im supposed to be all-seeing and all-knowing, and everything. Apparently not! Apparently, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords is a total bonehead with zero sense of direction. So, yeah, if you could come grab Me, Id super appreciate it.Maybe I took a wrong turn at Cloud 18 or something? I dont know, they all kinda look the same: huge, majestic, riddled with angels playing their stupid harps at all hours of the day. And its true I havent been back in almost 2,000 yearsbut come on. How could I be so stupid?At first I looked around at all the red soil and sunbaked cliffs, assumed I was in Arizona, and was like, Okay, looks like the Rapture is starting in Phoenix! Then I started feeling really short of breath and realized there was basically no atmosphere at all. Like, none. And I thought, hmm, thats odd, Ive never been to the American Southwest, but Im pretty sure there should at least be some oxygen. It wasnt until I turned around to get My bearings and saw two huge-ass moons floating in the sky that I realized, shit, You are on the completely wrong planet.Fuck My life.Im supposed to be riding in on the back of a great white stallion, wearing a robe dipped in blood, and tossing sinners into a lake of fire, but instead Im sitting here in some gigantic crater freezing My ass off with no fish to multiply, no water to turn into wine, and no sign of public transportation at all. Okay, Im looking at Google Maps, and it says its gonna take a whole millennium to get back. Great. All I brought are these stupid sandals. This is gonna be murder on My plantar fasciitis.Hello? Can anyone hear Me? Nope. Not even a freaking echo. This is creepy as hell.Guys. Im serious. Come pick Me up. I get that its out of the way, but Ill owe you big time. Im over by the big mountain thats in the shape of a face. You know that one? Im right past that in a little ravine. Just look for the long-haired dumbshit in a bright white robe waving His hands around like an asshole.Just hurry. And please dont tell My Dad or He will fucking kill Me. Again.The post Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars appeared first on The Onion.