WASHINGTONHighlighting a growing wealth gap nationwide, the Pew Research Center published a report Wednesday that revealed the average Americans plan for retirement now involves Richard Gere falling for them after paying for sex. Our findings suggest that the vast majority of people are now hinging their retirement on Mr. Gere spotting them on the street, beckoning them over to his sports car, and becoming so smitten with their rough-hewn, street-smart ways that he invites them for an unforgettable evening at his hotel, said report author Karyn Harpswell, adding that out of the 3,784 Americans surveyed, virtually all respondents listed putting on thigh-high boots and large hoop earrings to catch the veteran screen actors eye as a more sound investment strategy than a diversified portfolio, careful budgeting, or a Roth IRA. Regardless of age, sex, or racial background, the thought process seemed to be that after one incredible night of lovemaking, they would wake up in Geres bed and find he already had plans to pay them to stick around for the next week. Then, between the exquisite meals at fancy restaurants and glamorous outfits on his dime, any additional retirement planning would be unnecessary, particularly if they could eventually convince Gere that they were meant to be together forever. The report added that the plans of most Americans also involved avoidingJason Alexander at all costs.The post Report: Average Americans Retirement Plan Involves Richard Gere Falling For Them After Paying For Sex appeared first on The Onion.