With the ESPN Fantasy postseason upon us, here's who can help you win a title.

Facing a massive energy crisis and increasing protests on the streets, the Cuban government acknowledged that it had entered into negotiations with the Trump administration.

The economy also grew more slowly at the end of 2025 than first thought, revised data showed.

Our Beirut bureau chief, Christina Goldbaum, shows how Israeli airstrikes have affected Lebanon and its capital. Hundreds of thousands of people have fled areas around Beirut and in a huge swath of southern Lebanon after Israel issued evacuation warnings in its conflict with Hezbollah.

Prime Minister Mark Carney said Canada would build three bases in the region. The government also plans to improve infrastructure and airports in the north.

You bring a bunch of kittens into this world, you gotta do whats right.The post Oreo and Binx appeared first on The Onion.

The post Horse Cast As Horse In Live Action Tangled Remake appeared first on The Onion.

James Talarico is the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Texas. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the rising star.Age: WhippersnapperInspirational Backstory: Survived several hours talking to Joe RoganReligion: Oh yeah, lots of thatKey Endorsements: God (Presbyterian), God (Catholic), God (Jewish), and God (Sikh)Level On Grant-Rogers Folksiness Scale: 1.21 Jimmy StewartsVoice Volume: 4Diet: Whatever Moms making tonightWhats Motivating Campaign: Would rather die before going back to teachingThe post Political Profile: James Talarico appeared first on The Onion.

MONTREALAdmitting that he initially felt a little shy about storing his toiletries there, former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told reporters Friday that he was finally comfortable enough to keep an extra jar of his brown face paint at girlfriend Katy Perrys house. Things have gotten pretty serious between us, and having my own race impersonation makeup there is so much more convenient than remembering to pack it every time I stay over, said Trudeau, who explained that he always kept paint on hand in case an Arabian Nights-themed party or gala came up. I was so nervous when I accidentally left it on her nightstand last weekwhat if she thought the relationship was moving too fast? But Katy said I can keep as much brownface there as I want. She even cleared space in her closet for my spare turbans and scimitars! Of course, shes welcome to use them, too. Trudeau confirmed that he returned the favor by encouraging Perry to keep one of her Japanese kimonos at his place.The post Justin Trudeau Finally Comfortable Enough To Keep Brown Face Paint At Katy Perrys appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELESIn a discovery many have hailed as a milestone in the field, a new study published Friday by scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that humans likely developed opposable thumbs to signal all good to their buddies after falling off the roof. New evidence suggests hominids first evolved this movable appendage in order to more efficiently assure their friends that everything is chill and nothing feels broken, said study co-author Lynn Trinh, explaining that such dexterous thumbs could be traced back to Homo erectus, who often used the digit to indicate to companions that they were still feeling all right after jumping through a firepit on a dare, catching aflame, and then rolling to put themselves out. According to our findings, early humans who lacked the ability to give the green light to their pals after falling from a significant height were quickly presumed dead and left behind by their tribe. If not for the adaptation of the thumbs-up, A-OK, and the shaka gestures by prehistoric people, our distant ancestors might very well have faced extinction. The study also hypothesized that a secondary advantage of the opposable thumb was the ability for early man to give a thumbs-down after being hit in the nards.The post Study: Humans Evolved Opposable Thumbs To Signal All Good To Buddies After Falling Off Roof appeared first on The Onion.

Approximately $3.3 billion is expected to be bet on the NCAA men's and women's basketball tournaments with U.S. sportsbooks, a slight year-over-year increase, according to a gaming association's estimates.

The black Fender Stratocaster, played by David Gilmour on six of the bands albums including The Dark Side of the Moon, broke the record for the most expensive guitar sold at auction.

Recent marketing campaigns and TikToks reflect the craze for Love Story. They show that the Kennedy archetype still cant be purchased.

WASHINGTONWhimpering at the butter knife clutched in his brothers hand, a wincing Donald Trump Jr. reportedly shouted Do it! Wednesday as he and Eric Trump prepared to cut off their hair to avoid a U.S. military draft. Come on, Eric, do it quick, before I change my mind, said Donald Jr., who squeezed his eyes shut and placed a Twizzler between his teeth in anticipation of the excruciating pain that would come from his younger brother administering the swift cut to his locks. Dont let me see the blood, Eric. Just hurry up, and then Ill do you. Oh God, were going to be crippled. But its better than being sent to Iowa. Wait, wait, not yet! At press time, Donald Jr.s earsplitting screams were reportedly heard ringing throughout the White House.The post Do It! Shout Wincing Trump Boys Cutting Off Hair To Avoid Draft appeared first on The Onion.

The 98th Academy Awards will take place March 15 at the Dolby Theater. The Onion examines the 10 contenders in this years Best Picture race.BugoniaSynopsis: A conspiracy theorist attempts to uncover a CEOs sinister plot that is oddly devoid of pedophiles.Defining Line: Prepare to be bald, idiot!Prospects: Slim, but they said that about The Broadway Melody back in 1930, and that made us all look like a bunch of fucking idiots.F1Synopsis: Hotshot pilot Maverick must train a new class of Top Gun graduates while coping with the trauma of losing his best friend, Goose.Defining Line: The cars come alive, Ruben! Every night after we go to bed!Prospects: Can you imagine?FrankensteinSynopsis: Come on, everybody read the book in ninth grade.Defining Line: Father, father! My pud fell off! Please mend for Frankenstein!Prospects: Low, as were still holding out hope that The Bad Guys 2 makes a surprise come-from-behind.HamnetSynopsis: A poignant drama that explores Agnes and William Shakespeares loss of their 11-year-old-son, which back then was considered pretty old, all things considered.Defining line: Remember the Alamo.Prospects: This film might just be forgettable enough to pull off the Best Picture win.SinnersSynopsis: Twin brothers return to Mississippi and face a sinister vampire threat while attempting to lose 500 pounds and qualify for bariatric surgery.Defining Line: Brother, look at us, we are being covetous. I guess that makes ussinners.Not sinners, brother. Twinners.Prospects: Bad. The Academy is like 70% vampires.Marty SupremeSynopsis: A cautionary tale about the dangers of giving Timothe Chalamet too much publicity.Defining Line: Pock pock pock.pock.Prospects: Not great Oscar-wise, but the spanking scene cleaned up at the AVNs.One Battle After AnotherSynopsis: Loosely based on Thomas Pynchons Vineland, Paul Thomas Anderson proves he can read.Defining Line: They took my daughter! Quick, start an online petition!Prospects: The Academy could have sworn they awarded this Best Picture already.The Secret AgentSynopsis: A professor fleeing a military dictatorship in Brazil confuses the hell out of your father who thought this was going to be the next Bourne movieDefining Line: Dont worry, you can trust me. Im not a secret agent.Prospects: ICE agents are manning the stage just in case.Sentimental ValueSynopsis: A profoundly resonant family drama written by and for people far smarter than you.Defining Line: Hooten-dooten, bork bork!Prospects: Nothing can stop the long march of Norwegian cultural domination.Train DreamsSynopsis: A wildfire reduces a mans wife and young daughter to ash, freeing him up for an epic boys night.Defining Line: I cant wait until someone invents the internet so I can watch pornography.Prospects: A tossup, as the Academy is big on dreams, but famously unmoved by trains.The post The Onions 2026 Oscars Best Picture Guide appeared first on The Onion.

Relatives grieve in Baghdad, Iraq, on Thursday, March 12, 2026, during a funeral for members of the Popular Mobilization Forces who were killed in a U.S. airstrike in Qaim. (AP Photo/Hadi Mizban)2026-03-13T13:33:19Z IRBIL, Iraq (AP) Iraq is getting caught in the crossfire of the Iran war as the only country facing strikes from both sides, and that threatens to drag the nation that has so far avoided two years of regional turmoil into a full-blown crisis.As the war nears two full weeks, Iraqs situation is growing more desperate. Disruptions to Gulf shipping and strikes on oil fields and infrastructure have all but halted exports, jeopardizing a state that relies on such trade for the bulk of its revenue.If the shutdown continues, Baghdad could be unable to meet its oversized publicsector payroll as soon as next month, risking widespread unrest, two Iraqi Kurdish officials said.The federal government has appealed to northern Kurdish leaders to resume exports via a pipeline to Turkey, but talks remain deadlocked over longstanding domestic issues. The officials spoke to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity to discuss sensitive political matters. In the meantime, a parallel conflict to the wider war has escalated between Iran-backed Iraqi militia groups and the U.S. Near-daily drone strikes have targeted American interests across the country, while the U.S. has struck back against militia bases to defend its troops. Since the war began Feb. 28 following a major U.S. and Israeli strike in Iran, drone and missile attacks have targeted American interests in Iraq, including military bases in the Baghdad and Irbil airports, and U.S. diplomatic facilities. Iran and its allied Iraqi militias also have struck oil fields and energy infrastructure to escalate the economic toll. Unlike other Middle Eastern states touched by the war, Iraq hosts both entrenched Iran-aligned forces and significant U.S. interests. Its economy depends overwhelmingly on oil, so disruptions to production or exports through the Strait of Hormuz could sharply cut government revenue just as a fraught political transition grips Baghdad.The longer the conflict lasts, the greater the risk that economic shocks, political paralysis and friction with Iranbacked militias will combine to unravel Iraqs hardwon relative stability. Proxy battles Leaders in Baghdad and Irbil continue to urge caution and insist the war must not be fought on their soil, but the conflicts trajectory is increasingly slipping beyond their control. The U.S. has communicated assurances to Iraqi leaders that the country wont be dragged into the regional war, according to the two Kurdish officials who spoke to AP.In the wars opening days, drone and rocket strikes by Iran and allied groups began targeting U.S. bases, diplomatic missions and oil facilities. In Irbil, the capital of Iraqs autonomous Kurdish region, neardaily drone attacks have targeted not only U.S. military and allied interests but also commercial sites and even hotels.Iran-backed groups have also struck Kurdish groups based in northern Iraq after reports that Washington planned to arm some of them to press against Tehran. Some Iranian Kurdish leaders have signaled their willingness to mount cross-border operations into Iran if supported by the U.S.. Iraq is operating under a caretaker government after the U.S. opposed the nomination of former Prime Minister Nouri alMaliki. Caretaker premier Mohammed Shia alSudani, with even more limited powers, lacks the influence to rein in powerful militia groups.The U.S. has struck back, striking militia sites across the country, including in Jurf al-Sakhr, south of Baghdad, northern Iraq and in al-Qaim, along the Iraq-Syria border. As in past upheavals, Iraqis have learned to adapt to daily violence that intrudes on everyday life.At an Irbil cafe, patrons heard the whine of incoming drones, then a muffled explosion, before a plume of smoke rose on the horizon where it was shot down. A waiter urged calm, saying the strikes were aimed at the U.S. Consulate or airport and posed no direct threat to customers. Major fiscal shocksThe gravest threat to Iraqs stability is disrupted oil production, which could cripple government revenues. The Kurdish officials said Baghdad warned them that public-sector payrolls could be disrupted as soon as next month.To alleviate the pressure, Baghdad has asked for exports of at least 250,000 barrels per day of crude from fields in Kirkuk via the pipeline to Ceyhan in Turkey that runs across Kurdish territory. Talks have stalled, however, after Kurdish negotiators conditioned the move on lifting an existing U.S. dollar embargo and restoring economic benefits tied to trade.Iraqs government ordered production curtailed from oil fields in southern Iraq, where the majority of its 4.8 million barrels per day is produced, after the war all but stopped traffic through the Strait of Hormuz and militias attacked facilities. Sales from oil account for over 90% of state revenues.Iraq has one of the worlds largest publicsector workforces and pensioner rolls, and past payment delays have sparked mass protests. Production has been halted at oil fields hit by strikes. In the Kurdish region, Canadas ShaMaran Petroleum and U.S. private firm HKN have suspended output at the Sarsang and Atrush blocks.If oil exports are disrupted, the immediate impact would likely be a decline in the value of the Iraqi dinar. This would quickly trigger inflation, and within a short time the prices of basic goods could rise sharply, said Farhad Soleimanpour, an Iraqi Kurdish political analyst.For the Kurdistan region, the situation could be even more difficult because it does not have its own central bank or significant financial reserves. Iraq may be able to withstand the shock for several months, but the Kurdistan Region would likely face immediate financial pressure, he added.The war has also battered power supplies.The Khor Mor gas field in the autonomous Kurdish region is offline, cutting electricity generation by nearly twothirds. Where the region once provided 24hour power, households now receive just four to six hours a day, said Omed Ahmad, spokesperson for the Kurdistan Regions Ministry of Electricity.Political weaknessesSince the November 2025 election, Iraq has been without a government after the U.S. opposed the return of alMaliki, the former prime minister. The war complicates the fraught transition, forcing a caretaker administration with severely limited powers to manage the fallout.But that caretaker status also lets Iraqi leaders deflect responsibility by claiming they lack the authority to act, said Iraq analyst Tamer Badawi. No one wants to take this big responsibility at the moment, he said.That would mean taking charge and reining in multiple armed groups, from Iranbacked militias targeting U.S. interests to KurdishIranian opposition factions, whose actions deepen fault lines that could spark civil unrest.Even if some oil is exported via the pipeline, there is no way to assure the infrastructure will not come under attack by militia groups, officials have warned.Iraq has defied the odds so far, largely avoiding the regional upheaval from the war in Gaza that began in 2023. Political and religious leaders have remained committed to keeping the country out of wider conflict and preserving its stability.Iraq faces pressure to maintain neutrality while different political groups inside the country have opposing positions regarding the conflict, Soleimanpour said. Some factions support closer relations with Iran, while others prefer stronger cooperation with the United States and Western countries. This internal division increases political tension. SAMYA KULLAB Kullab is an Associated Press reporter covering Ukraine since June 2023. Before that, she covered Iraq and the wider Middle East from her base in Baghdad since joining the AP in 2019. twitter instagram mailto

France's President Emmanuel Macron, right, welcomes Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy prior to a meeting at the Elysee Palace, Friday, March 13, 2026, in Paris, France. (AP Photo/Michel Euler)2026-03-13T13:50:04Z PARIS (AP) Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy said Friday that the U.S. 30-day waiver on Russian oil sanctions amid the Iran war is not the right decision and wont help bring a stop to Russias more than 4-year-old invasion of Ukraine.This easing alone by the United States could provide Russia with about $10 billion for the war, Zelenskyy said. This certainly does not help peace.I believe that lifting sanctions will, in any case, lead to a strengthening of Russias position. It spends the money from energy sales on weapons, and all of this is then used against us, Zelenskyy said at a news conference with French President Emmanuel Macron during a visit to Paris.Therefore, ultimately lifting sanctions only so that more drones will later be flying at you is, in my opinion, not the right decision, he said.The U.S. Treasury Department announced Thursday a 30-day waiver on Russian oil sanctions. The step aims to free up Russian cargoes stranded at sea and ease supply shortages caused by the Iran war. Analysts say that spiraling oil prices due to Persian Gulf production blockages are benefiting the Russian economy. Moscow relies heavily on oil revenue to finance its invasion, and sanctions were a growing handicap. U.S.-mediated talks between Moscow and Kyiv that seek to stop Europes biggest conflict since World War II are on hold due to the Iran war, though they could resume next week, according to Zelenskyy. Macron noted that broad sanctions on Russia still stand despite the temporary U.S. waiver.U.S. waivers announced in recent days are limited and taken on an exceptional basis, Macron said. It does not broadly or permanently roll back the sanctions that they themselves decided to apply, he added.German leader says US sanctions waiver for Russian oil is wrongGerman Chancellor Friedrich Merz adopted a more critical stance. He said Friday that a meeting earlier this week of heads of state and government from the Group of Seven industrialized democracies discussed with U.S. President Donald Trump the issue of Russian oil and liquefied natural gas supplies. Six members of the G7 expressed a very clear view that this (waiving of Russia sanctions) is not the right signal to send, Merz said during a visit to Norway. We learned this morning that the U.S. government has apparently decided otherwise. Once again, we believe this is the wrong decision.Merz added: There is currently a price problem, but not a supply problem. And in that regard, I would like to know what additional motives led the U.S. government to make this decision. Ukraine offers its drone expertiseUkraine has become one of the worlds leading producers of drone interceptors, and Kyiv is offering its expertise to the United States and its Gulf partners for the war in the Middle East, hoping to receive in return the high-end weaponry it cant manufacture at home.Zelenskyy said that Ukraine has received requests from six countries for drone combat assistance. It has already sent expert teams to three countries, he said, without naming them.Separate requests, which he didnt detail, have also come from the United States and Jordan, he said.Zelenskyy noted that providing interceptors was not enough to help fight drone attacks. The Ukrainian military has expertise in deploying the systems, he said.There must be proper, systematic work with radars and with the entire air defense system, Zelenskyy said. Ukraine is ready to share this experience for the sake of the security of those partners who are helping us.Ukraine is awaiting White House approval for an agreement on producing battle-tested drones, Zelenskyy said on Thursday.___Novikov contributed from Kyiv, Ukraine. Associated Press writer Kostya Manenkov in Tallinn, Estonia contributed to this report.___Follow APs coverage of the war in Ukraine at https://apnews.com/hub/russia-ukraine SYLVIE CORBET Corbet is an Associated Press reporter based in Paris. She covers French politics, diplomacy and defense as well as gender issues and breaking news. twitter ILLIA NOVIKOV Novikov is an Associated Press reporter covering news in Ukraine since 2022. He is based in Kyiv. instagram mailto RSShttps://feedx.net https://feedx.site

Will Michael Carrick get the Man United job? Plus, which players could they target this summer?

Beyond its effects on oil and gas, the unfolding war in the Middle East is roiling shipping and airfreight, threatening the availability of a vast range of goods.

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Nature, Published online: 13 March 2026; doi:10.1038/d41586-026-00767-7Tightly packed molecular chains can start to wiggle in many directions when an enzyme introduces energy.

After leading the Billikens to an Atlantic 10 regular-season title, coach Josh Schertz has agreed to a contract extension at Saint Louis, according to the school's athletic director.

The Blackhawks and Senators will play two games in Germany next season as part of the NHL's Global Series.

Kim English's three-year tenure at Providence is over. He was fired after the loss to St. John's.

Lewis Hamilton has said Ferrari's gap to Mercedes is mainly due to a deficit in power unit performance after he qualified fourth for Saturday's Chinese Grand Prix sprint race.

The gas, ethylene oxide, plays a crucial role in sterilizing medical devices. But long-term exposure is linked to several types of cancer and other ailments.

In a 40-year career that brought him two Pulitzers, he reported from trouble spots around the world, eloquently conveying the chaos of war.

A presentation from a headhunting firm aimed to recruit Wall Street investors to the Pentagon by offering unmatched access to government officials and fund-raising opportunities among foreign sovereigns.

Proposals include transferring a supercomputer to the University of Wyoming and shifting a space weather lab to a private company.

Kremlin officials said the American move, which Europe opposes, showed that Moscow could not be dislodged from the center of global energy markets.

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Police are present at Constant Hall, where yesterday shooting occurred on Friday, March 13, 2026 at Old Dominion Universiy in Norfolk, Va. (AP Photo/Allen G. Breed).2026-03-13T14:04:16Z NORFOLK, Va. (AP) The shooter who opened fire in a classroom at Virginias Old Dominion University on Thursday in an attack being investigated as an act of terrorism had a gun with an obliterated serial number, potentially complicating investigators efforts to determine how the man with a previous felony conviction obtained a firearm, according to a law enforcement official.Investigators will have to try to re-surface the number in order to trace the gun, according to the official, who spoke to the Associated Press on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss the ongoing investigation.The FBI identified the shooter as Mohamed Bailor Jalloh, a former Army National Guard member who pleaded guilty in 2016 to attempting to aid the Islamic State extremist group.Jalloh, who yelled Allahu akbar before opening fire, was subdued and killed by ROTC students, according to FBI officials who praised the students bravery for preventing further harm. The shooting killed an ROTC leader who was a professor of military science at ODU, and left two others hurt. One of them, who was hospitalized in critical condition, has been upgraded to fair condition, according to Sentara Health. The other was treated and released. Jalloh, who was sentenced to 11 years in prison in the Islamic State group case, was released from federal custody in December 2024. He was on supervised release, which is comparable to probation. It wasnt immediately clear why his release from prison was moved up. Inmates can get time off their sentences for a variety of reasons, but it wasnt immediately clear if that happened in his case.At a news conference Thursday, a reporter asked the special agent in charge of the FBIs Norfolk field office, Dominique Evans, if there was a mention of the ongoing war in Iran. None whatsoever, she replied. The U.S. and Israel launched a war with Iran with missile strikes on Feb. 28. The FBI has warned that Iranian operatives may be planning drone attacks on targets in California. Two men brought explosives to a far-right protest outside the New York mayoral mansion on Saturday. Investigators allege they were inspired by the Islamic State group. And on Thursday, a man of Lebanese origin was fatally shot after driving his vehicle into a Detroit-area synagogue in what the FBI called a targeted act of violence against the Jewish community.Old Dominion University Police Chief Garrett Shelton said less than 10 minutes passed between when officers were called about a shooting in the universitys business school building and when responders determined the shooter was dead.Lt. Col. Jimmy Delongchamp, public information officer for the U.S. Army Cadet Command at Fort Knox, Kentucky, told The Associated Press that two of the people who were shot were part of the Army ROTC at ODU. ROTC is a program where students receive a scholarship to attend college while training to become commissioned officers in the U.S. military. Voorhees University in South Carolina confirmed the victim who died was Lt. Col. Brandon Shah, the son-in-law of a Voorhees trustee. Shah attended ODU as an ROTC student, according to his biography on the universitys website, and had returned in 2022 as a leader for the program. In the Army, Shah piloted helicopters over Iraq, Afghanistan and Eastern Europe.The shooter also had a background in military service. Jalloh, a naturalized U.S. citizen from Sierra Leone, served as a specialist with the Virginia Army National Guard from 2009 until 2015, when he was honorably discharged.___Durkin Richer reported from Washington. Associated Press reporters Michael Biesecker in Washington; Michael R. Sisak in New York City; Jonathan Mattise in Nashville, Tennessee; John Raby in Cross Lanes, West Virginia; and Olivia Diaz in Richmond, Virginia, contributed. ___This story has been corrected to show the AP reporter in the byline is Allen G. Breed, not Alan. ALLEN G. BREED Breed is an Associated Press general assignment/feature writer. He joined the AP in 1988 in Kentucky. twitter mailto ALANNA DURKIN RICHER Richer covers the Justice Department and federal courts. She joined The AP in 2013 and is based in Washington. twitter

This is Behind the Blog, where we share our behind-the-scenes thoughts about how a few of our top stories of the week came together. This week, we discuss traveling for reporting and watching way too much DOGE bros.JOSEPH: I just wanted to write some brief notes about the DOGE depositions and the piece I Watched 6 Hours of DOGE Bro Testimony. Here's What They Had to Say For Themselves. Much of the reason I managed to watch all of this testimony was because I was on a couple of long flights this week. On the first flight, I saw the Justin Fox deposition on YouTube. I started watching it and recording the timestamps of interesting parts, and passed those over to our social manager Evy who then cut them into videos which have since been shared pretty widely.

Nature, Published online: 13 March 2026; doi:10.1038/d41586-026-00743-1The governments plans to poach 100 US researchers might make good economic sense. But what about the existing community?

Nature, Published online: 13 March 2026; doi:10.1038/s41586-026-10376-zAuthor Correction: SLAMF6 as a drug-targetable suppressor of T cell immunity against cancer

After an unlikely path to his signing, the Ravens introduced pass rusher Trey Hendrickson, with first-year coach Jesse Minter seeing the new addition as the team's defensive closer.

Falcons general manager Ian Cunningham said definitively Friday that the team is bringing in Tua Tagovailoa to compete with Michael Penix Jr. for the starting quarterback job.

The UFC plans to make 85,000 free tickets available to the public for its unprecedented live event at the White House on June 14, according to CEO Dana White.

Tristan da Silva is on the rise, and should fantasy basketball managers keep players like Bennedict Mathurin and Cameron Johnson?

The U.S. government said the military veteran, Jordan G. Goudreau, had been missing for months, and that an ankle monitor assigned to him had been found hidden in a piece of furniture.

The soil keeps shifting in Rancho Palos Verdes, Calif. For the right buyer, that presents a great opportunity, at least for the time being.

Governments have stockpiled oil, and cars are more efficient but the supply shock is global, and theres no sense of when itll end.

The remarks fueled concerns that CNNs prospective new owner may shift its coverage in a Trump-friendly direction.

Medicaid is now paying for health care in jails and prisons, helping smooth inmates return to the community. Corrections and law enforcement officials say theyre all for it.

Uber launched a feature that allows both women riders and drivers across the U.S. to be exclusively matched with other women for trips, expanding a pilot program intended to address safety concerns. What do you think?Two chicks in the same car? Thats hot.Cory Maghes, Informants ApprenticeI dont get in strangers cars to feel safe.Vera Amato, Faucet TightenerWill the car be female too?Lance Weber, Cider SweetenerThe post Uber Introduces Women-Only Option Nationwide appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTONFurther fueling speculation that the commander-in-chief might have undisclosed medical conditions, rumors regarding President Trumps health swirled Friday after he screamed, Fuck! Im dying! during a press conference. Fuck! Im fucking dying! Oh God, it hurts! Ahhhhhhh! Trump said in response to a question about the ongoing war in Iran, sparking fervent discussion among Beltway insiders over whether the president wincing in pain while clutching his chest and screaming, I see the light, I see the light, could potentially signal a serious illness he had failed to share with the public. Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh! This is it! Here I go! I can feel my body shutting down! Jesus Christ, its all over! At press time, further concerns about the presidents health emerged after paramedics were spotted lifting Trumps body into a body bag, zipping it up, and wheeling it out of the West Wing on a stretcher.The post Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Screams, Fuck! Im Dying! appeared first on The Onion.

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