Photo by Joseph StraussSubscribe nowAs a toddler, Daisy Morningstar often reached for her mothers clothes to play dress-up and loved anything bright and sparkly, like many other little girls do. But Daisy wasnt born into a society expecting this behavior from her. Assigned male at birth, Daisy was 3 years old when she expressed to her parents, Eli and Joanna, that she preferred to go by a girls name and wear feminine clothes.Eli and Joanna arent sure how their daughter, now 4, picked her new name, but they suspect she was inspired by Princess Daisy, one of her favorite characters in Mario Kart.While many parents wouldnt embrace their childs desire to present as transgender at such a young age, Eli and Joanna, who are both trans, have a personal understanding of the importance of respecting gender identity.Photo by Joseph StraussIf somebody is expressing something to you clearly and consistently, especially as a parent, you have two choices: Either you try to beat it out of them, or [you] accept them where they are, says Joanna, a 34-year-old who works in tech in Brooklyn, who remembers suppressing feelings of gender dysphoria as early as 8 years old.But can a preschooler really have that level of understanding when it comes to their gender identity? While some may be skeptical, Dr. Michele Hutchison, a pediatric endocrinologist at the University of New Mexico, who has treated around 600 transgender youth, says shes seen patients like Daisy before. I'd say a good 30% of my patients are very solid about their gender by the time they can speak, Dr. Hutchison, who started treating trans kids in Arkansas in 2017, told Uncloseted Media.And a 2008 study that reviewed 110 responses from trans adults in the United Kingdom found that a majority of participants recalled first becoming aware they were trans around age 8. Roughly a third of respondents36 peoplesay they were aware by age 6. And 11 respondents said they knew by age 4.Subscribe for LGBTQ-focused journalism.Daisy hanging out at her Brooklyn home. Photo by Joseph StraussSince Daisy chose her new name and told her parents she is a she-person, Eli and Joanna have allowed her to grow her bright blonde hair shoulder-length. Both Daisy and her 6-year-old sister, Sophia, who is cisgender, often wear dresses inspired by Elsa, their favorite character in Frozen. Joanna and Eli asked Daisys school to refer to her as Daisy and to use she/her pronouns, to which her teachers obliged with no issue.To some, these changes may seem drastic. But Joanna and Eli say theyve made a big difference to their childs wellbeing. Before Daisy presented as a girl, Jonna described her daughter as withdrawn and somber.She'd get angry. She would start viciously misgendering her sister; she would misgender me. And youre like, What's going on? Joanna recalls. Since changing her name, hair and clothes, Daisys behavioral issues have dramatically improved.In addition, Daisys teacherwho was originally worried about Daisy being held back from advancing a grade because she was so quiettold Joanna and Eli that she has become more talkative in class. After, she wasn't worried about that anymore, Eli told Uncloseted Media.Eli, Sophia, Joanna and Daisy. Photo by Joseph StraussTo Joanna and Eli, embracing Sophias cisgender identity is no different than supporting Daisy. Contrary to folks who may suggest Eli and Joanna are pressuring their child to adopt a trans identity, they feel they are granting both of their children the agency to live authentically. Its obvious that the kids aren't being pushed around by us. They know what they want to do, and the only question is whether they know it's an option, says Joanna.Given Eli and Joanna didnt begin transitioning until adulthood, they acutely understand the damage that would be done to Daisy if they rejected her gender identity. Eli says his earliest understanding of being transgender came in the first grade when he preferred to wear boys bathing suits during swimming lessons.Eli was raised by his aunt and uncle, a trans man, until age 8, after which he moved in with his mother and her partner. Though Eli had a trans role model in his childhood, it didnt make his coming out experience any easier. He remembers expressing feelings of gender dysphoria around age 5 or 6 and how it stressed out his uncle. Eli attributed his uncles stress to the same rhetoric we see now about transgender people of, You're going to convince them to join your lifestyle.Photo by Joseph StraussIn the current political climate, trans kids are under attack and their parents face accusationsthat arent supported by evidenceof pedophilia, grooming and indoctrination.President Trump recently signed an executive order aimed at limiting trans youths access to gender-affirming care. In addition, Trump has repeatedly and falsely suggested schools were indoctrinating students into becoming transgender and performing gender reassignment surgeries without parental consent. In October, Trump told a crowd of 20,000 at Madison Square Garden, We will get transgender insanity the hell out of our schools.[Joanna] is deeply scared to be a visibly trans woman out with children, Eli told Uncloseted Media. Because of what is said about us, the groomer rhetoric, I don't think she's wrong to be scared. Though Eli embraces Daisys gender identity, he isnt immune to the power of transphobic narratives. Looking back, he says, [My aunt and uncle may have] felt some anxiety about their kids being queer because it could reflect badly on them. So, when Daisy asserted that she is a girl, I certainly felt some of that come up for me.Eli takes solace in having seen his older daughter express a female gender identity before Daisy had. It helps a lot that we had Sophia first because of the absolute sameness of their starting to express their genders, and that gender being girl. I have less uncertainty and more clarity [with Daisy]. That is what self-expression looks like.According to Dr. Hutchison, Elis anxiety over Daisys gender identity is common in queer parents of trans children. I have had genderqueer and gender non-conforming parents who are not excited about the fact that their children are gender non-conforming because they themselves had to walk a difficult pathway. They don't want difficulty for their children. They want life to be easier for their child than it was for them, says Dr. Hutchison.Eli is inherently aware of the difficulties Daisy would face if she had parents who werent affirming. He remembers experiencing intense gender dysphoria himself and feeling trapped in a body against his will. "I didn't hit puberty until I was 11, 12, but there was this feeling of like I could stop this and [my mother] is just making me do it.Joanna, who grew up in a charismatic, Evangelical family, had no trans or queer role models growing up. The first time she can remember anything LGBTQ-related being discussed was on a drive with her father. He announce[d] that homosexuality is a problem. The quote I remember was, I'm not saying that it is, but you at least have to consider the possibility that HIV is punishment for sodomites. This was the environment that I grew up in, she says.In an email, Joannas dad told Uncloseted Media: I dont remember saying anything like this and certainly do not believe it now and never have Joanna and I do not speak regularly anymore, which saddens me greatly.After going through experiences of suppressing their trans identities, Eli and Joanna feel its critical that Daisy feels heard.Subscribe for LGBTQ-focused, accountability journalism.They reject a worldview in which being trans is cause for fear and are instead focused on Daisys well-being. It's my job to figure out how we get from where we are to where she wants to be in a way [that] is respectful and doesn't lock her into anything early. We're not crazy people, says Joanna. We're not doing anything that you couldn't reverse.For now, any physical intervention that Daisy may want in the future wouldnt be a consideration for many years, until Daisy is closer to puberty. Joannas emphasis on giving her youngest daughter room to grow and change is an important part of Daisys story. On a recent trip to the Brooklyn Childrens Museum for a pajama party night, Daisy sat with her father while decorating a plastic construction helmet with alphabet stickers, spelling out her name. But in addition to writing Daisy, she also chose to spell her birth name.For the remainder of the party, Daisy ran around in pink pajamas and matching sneakers, wearing a helmet labeled Isaac on one side and Daisy on the other. Daisy's been pretty genderfluid lately and sometimes prefers to present as a boy, other times as a girl, says Eli.Elis method of gently asking Daisy what she wants is the approach Dr. Hutchison suggests to parents of genderqueer children. I like to use the word affirming, which just means if the child comes to me and says, I'm a boy, you say, That's great. What would you like to wear today? What name do you want to go by? Give that child space to see who they are, she says.Philip Graham, professor emeritus of Child Psychiatry at University College London, is slightly more cautious. He suggests gentle discouragement to dress in the opposite sex to the one assigned at birth. I would just say, I'm not sure that's right, and see where you go from there, he told Uncloseted Media.If a child remains consistent in their gender identity by age 9 or 10, You've got a difficult decision to make with a trans child [about] whether you're going to embark on puberty blockers or not, Graham says.Though Graham and Dr. Hutchison suggest slightly different initial approaches to a child expressing a trans identity, their views converge on the matter of a childs agency.We have a somewhat inflated idea of the importance that parents have. Children are their own people; they make decisions, says Graham.Both Graham and Dr. Hutchison also agree on the importance of moving slowly and thoughtfully when it comes to healthcare for transgender youth. As somebody who works with children, we don't do any of this quickly. We take our time. We're very conscientious, we're very conservative, and we want to make sure we got it right, says Dr. Hutchison.Eli and Joanna are taking Daisys gender fluidity one day at a time. In the last few months, Daisy has often asked to be referred to with he/him and they/them pronouns andin many instanceshas asked to be called Isaac. There are times when she insists that her full name is Daisy Tulip Mac and Cheese. [4]-year-olds are silly, uninformed humans. [But] they're still humans. They still know what they want, says Joanna.If objective, nonpartisan, rigorous, LGBTQ-focused journalism is important to you, please consider making a tax-deductible donation through our fiscal sponsor, Resource Impact, by clicking this button:Donate to Uncloseted Media