WASHINGTONIn an effort to expand recruitment for President Donald Trumps immigration crackdown, the Department of Homeland Security announced Tuesday that it would waive the species requirements for new Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents.At a press conference, Home-land Security Secretary Kristi Noem said eligibility requirements that previously limited ICE applicants to the species Homo sapiens would now permit any animal to join, opening the door for countless birds, primates, and reptiles to participate in raids of immigrants workplaces, conduct ambushes at immigration courts, and pilot fast-track deportation flights to cooperating foreign countries.By removing restrictions on tentacles, hooves, talons, and the number of legs an applicant may possess, weve made it possible for countless nonhuman patriots to do their part cleaning up Americas streets, said Noem, dressed in a pith helmet and ICE-emblazoned safari gear while flanked by a gorilla and an ostrich. A bison can love its country just as much as any person, and if it wants to use its large, powerful horns to toss illegals into the back of a van, we say, Welcome aboard.There are many kinds ofpatriots in this country, even if some of them can only communicate by hooting or growling, Noem added.Secretary Kristi Noem with newly sworn-in animal agents who quickly became distracted and searched the briefing room for acorns, shoots, and leaves.ICEs urgent need for new members is said to have led the agency to send recruiters to beaver dams, buzzard nests, and dank, bone-strewn caves across the country, where in a desperate effort to secure the personnel necessary to carry out their waves of deportations, they offer signing bonuses that range from logs full of termites to live salmon to carrion. Despite concerns from critics that most animals were unfit to wield life-or-death authority over a vulnerable populace, ICE officials claimed that an inability to experience human empathy was exactly the kind of quality they were looking for in their candidates.Morale is extremely low right now, and were frankly in no position to be picky about who we recruit, said ICE chief of staff Jon Feere, adding that preferences for bipedal candidates with object permanence and opposable thumbs had become a thing of the past in the current political climate. At the end of the day, what we need is more boots and talons and flippers on the ground. If a blue whale has a mouth big enough to detain a hundred illegals at a time, well gladly hire it to help us take our country back.Maybe if wed been draping ostriches in body armor and sending them into sanctuary cities back in 2017, we wouldnt be in the mess were in now, Feere continued.According to eyewitness accounts, packs of ICE animals participating in training exercises have become a common sight in immigrant communities, with these maneuvers often derailing when a rabid raccoon leaps onto an agents face or a grizzly bear mauls law enforcement officials. This has reportedly prompted undocumented civilians to stay off the streets for fear of being carried off in the jaws of vicious wolves or stuffed in a kangaroos pouch and spirited away to a shadowy detention facility.Despite sharing similar backgrounds, many of the most gung-ho among ICEs new recruits seem unbothered that they themselves come from species not native to North America.Immigrants Moka tax dollars take, dirty countrycry Moka, said Moka, a 5-year-old eastern lowland gorilla recently hired by ICE, who communicated with reporters via rudimentary sign language while hidden behind mirrored aviators and a Punisher skull neck gaiter. Immigrants trouble devils. Smart Trump Moka helpful. Far immigrants. Far woke. Patriot gorilla true.No country charity, Moka went on, snorting and slapping the ground as she grew increasingly agitated. ICE good. Stink crime. Moka America great make.The post Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE appeared first on The Onion.