With the holiday season getting longer every year, Americans nationwide are searching for methods to ensure the focal point of their decor remains healthy and vibrant through Dec. 25 and beyond. Here are tips on how to keep your Christmas tree fresh.Choose A Genetically Pure Tree Of Noble Heritage: Often the reason a Christmas tree sheds its needles when brought home is because its been tainted by foreign pollen from contemptible stock.Replicate Its Natural Environment: Add a razor wire fence, 600 gallons of asphalt concrete, and a chain-smoking Russian man to your living room, and your Christmas tree will feel at home in no time.Forgo Buying Your Children Presents: Fewer presents under the tree will allow it more growing room.Play The Song Of The Forest On Your Pan Flute: The mystical melody of merriment and glee is sure to perk your Christmas tree right up as it sways to your folk instruments hypnotic tune.Cut Down Adjacent Trees In Your House: Overcrowding can deprive smaller Christmas trees of sunlight, so thin out all existing growth in your home within 8 feet of your trees base.Appoint A Shadow Christmas Tree: In its unofficial parliamentary role, it can scrutinize the work of the acting Christmas tree and keep it on its toes.Let It Roam Around In The Woods For At Least 30 Minutes A Day: Allowing your tree to get outdoors will keep its mind sharp and its trunk strong.Perform Sap Infusions From Younger Trees: Regular infusions of sap from a more youthful spruce can reverse your trees biological age to that of a seedling.Dont Cut It Down In The First Place: You took an ax to its trunk, and now youre confused as to why its not perfectly healthy?Make It Someone Elses Responsibility: Let the housekeeper know that if a single pine needle turns brown, she can find employment at a different chalet.The post How To Keep Your Christmas Tree Fresh appeared first on The Onion.