Dear Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest,Im a single mom with a 2-year-old son, and the people in the apartment above us play loud music that wakes him from his naps. They turn it down when I ask, but the volume always goes back up a few minutes later. The landlord, unfortunately, refuses to get involved. Is it time to file a noise complaint with the police? My little guy needs his sleep! Cautious In ConcordDear Cautious,Okay. So, listen. You are, like, one of my best friends. Seriously. Youre, like, such a good person. Anybody in this bar asks me, Ill tell em straight up: This guy is the best! Youre the best, and thats why the drinks are on me tonight. All of the drinks. So, dude, you know Ill always tell you the truth, right? Because honesty is everything to me. Everything. So. I really wanna tell you something. I really wannahey, okay, lets just do one more shot first.Dear Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest,I wrote in a few months ago about getting my kids to help with the chores, and I wanted to let you know your advice worked like a charm! Not only are they chipping in around the house more, but Ive noticed an increase in their self-esteem and overall work ethic. Thank you so much for your helpnow if only I could get my husband to take your advice!Grateful In GeorgiaDear Grateful,Its so damn good to see you, man. Like, for real, Ive been wanting to talk to you for fuckin ever. Since, like, Evans wedding. What was that, two years ago? Three years? Holy shit, dude. Were getting older. Fuck. Were, like, becoming our dads. Whered that bartender go? Whew! Fuckin Jim Beam, man. Beam me up, Scotty! Ha ha. Your dad was always good to me, though. Your mom, too. Youve got a great family, dude. And your sister. Ashley. Man, shes likeno offense, but youre lucky shes your sister. Seriously. She ever mention me?Dear Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest,I run a small art gallery, and next month were opening a new space with work by some very important artists. Unfortunately, my parents have never approved of my life choices and are still angry with me for not joining the family construction business. I really want to invite them to my opening, but we havent spoken in over a year and Im scared theyll say no. What should I do?Prospering In ProvoDear Prospering,I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, listen. Look, look, look. Listen. I know.Look. Wait, you see that guy there? That guy. Hes got the same fuckin shoes as me. You see that? Same shoes! Same fuckin color and everything. Listen, man, Im so glad were having this conversation.Dear Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest,My husband is retiring at the end of the year, and while Ive been encouraging him to pick up some hobbies, he just wont listen. He tends to get depressed without something to occupy his time, though hed never admit it. (His father was the same way!) How can I gently nudge him into a healthy pastime?Determined In DenverDear Determined,Sometimes, like, I will just look in the mirror and stare at myself and have, like, no idea who Im even looking at. You ever do that? Its, like, fuuuuuuuuuck, you know? Because I know Im thereI know, like, Im fuckin real and shit. But I try to look into the eyes, and those eyes, theyre just staring back at me, but, like, theres nothing. Just fuckinnothing. Hey, I gotta take a piss. You good or do you need another?Dear Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest,After four years, my girlfriend and I finally got a place together, and I couldnt be happier. The only problem is, shes making the spare room all nice and tidy so her sister can stay over when she visits from Asheville, and Id rather just have it be a chill spot where I can relax and play video games. Shouldnt I have more say in the matter? Help! Restless In RaleighDear Restless,Id fuckin take a bullet for you. For real. For you, and for your sister. I loveI love you. So, like, I gotta come clean about this shit. Because I literally love you and would die for you, so I cant live with myself if Im not, like, 100% honest with you. Come here, man. Look at me. Oh fuck. Listen. Ready? Okay. Sooh shit, is this Outkast? This is my jam. My baby dont mess around because she messed around and she dont know what for! Thats Andr 3000! I love Andr 3000. And you, and your family. Its all love, man. The post Ask A Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest appeared first on The Onion.