Have you ever hated yourself so much that you prayed to be someone else?I did. Every night. Related Trump admin. set to end LGBTQ+ youth suicide hotline to stop radical gender ideology & grooming The administration is using anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric to justify abandoning queer youth in distress. As a closeted gay teen growing up in a deeply religious household, I spent years trying to pray the gay away. I thought that was the only way I could be worthy of love. Dive deeper every day Join our newsletter for thought-provoking commentary that goes beyond the surface of LGBTQ+ issues Subscribe to our Newsletter today Now, Im an Advocacy Manager for The Trevor Project, the leading suicide prevention and crisis intervention organization for LGBTQ+ young people.But before I ever held that title, I was struggling with depression, shame, and constant thoughts that the world might be better off without me. I wondered if there was anyone out there who could possibly understand what I was going through.Today, Im devastated to share that theTrump administration has eliminated The Trevor Projects partnership with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.That means LGBTQ+ young people who reach out to 988 our countrys three-digit federal suicide prevention crisis line will no longer be able to connect with trained, affirming counselors who understand the unique needs of LGBTQ+ youth. At The Trevor Project, this move will halve our ability to serve youth in crisis.This isnt just a funding cut. Its a dangerous, life-threatening blow to kids who already feel like they have nowhere to turn.I know that feeling. Ive lived it. I grew up in a hardworking, loving household. My mom gave her all to ensure I had opportunities she never did. She worked three jobs to put me through private Catholic school, believing with her whole heart that it would give me the future she never got. What none of us saw coming was how much that environment would chip away at me.My school was deeply conservative and made clear that kids like me didnt belong. They would fire gay teachers, ban same-sex dates at prom, and preach against homosexuality in our mandatory religion classes. During the 2012 election season, I heard over the intercom:We all have a moral duty to vote for a candidate who champions traditional marriage.That same week, I was outed.A girl passed around a Most Likely to be Gay list. I was number one. A friend I trusted let something slip. By lunch, I could feel it the whispers, the glances, the judgment. No one needed to say anything. The silence said it all. I was the only openly gay student at my school. And I felt completely alone.I couldnt bring it home. My mom was already sacrificing so much. So I turned inward. I sought out priests. I confessed. I prayed ten times a day for God to take it away. Nothing changed. I hated myself for it.The self-hatred became unbearable. I stopped eating. I barely slept. I remember lying awake at night, heart pounding, thinking maybe not waking up would be easier.Eventually, I broke. I confided in my English teacher, who told me I needed to tell my mom. So I did.I got on the family desktop and printed out a How to Come Out guide I found online something that answered common questions parents tend to ask. I didnt have the words, so I hoped this guide did. I folded the pages into tiny scraps I could hide in my pocket. I was terrified.When I finally told her, she bawled.In her fear, she said things that hit hard.She warned me Id get HIV.She walked out of the house and went for a drive.I locked myself in the bathroom, overwhelmed, sobbing until I got sick. At the time, it felt like rejection. But it wasnt hate; it was fear.Id later understand that it wasnt because she hated gay people, and it wasnt because she didnt love me. It was the opposite, actually; it wasbecause she loved me so much. My mom had spent her whole life hearing stories on the news, in church, in the media that being gay meant youd end up bullied, sick, abandoned, or dead. To her, being gay was a death sentence.She grieved for a future she thought her son would never have.That was love tangled up in fear. I had never met another openly gay person. I was so scared and alone, and I had no one around me who understood what I was going through. To me, that didnt feel like a life worth living.One night, I Googled, Is it okay to be gay? and discovered a phone number 1-866-488-7386 The Trevor Projects crisis number.When I called that number, I spoke with someone on the other end of the line who really got it. For the first time, I felt like someone understood me.That space didnt just help me. It saved me.Over time, many of my friends surprised me with their support. Today, my mom hugs strangers at Pride festivals. And I did something I once thought Id never be allowed to dream of: I married the love of my life, my husband, Tony. But without The Trevor Project, I might never have known that love, or any kind of love, was possible for someone like me.I share this story to try to help people understand what it really means that the Trump administration has ended the 988 Lifelines LGBTQ+ youth specialized services program. Through 988, more than 1.5 million LGBTQ+ young people have received the same life-saving services that I did. But starting July 17th, those services will disappear. Especially in these polarizing political times, we need more resources that effectively help young people navigate crises, not less.To be clear, The Trevor Projects 24/7 crisis services will remain available for any young person who needs help or support. However, the administrations decision to end LGBTQ+ specialized services through 988 means that The Trevor Project will lose millions of dollars in federal funds, shrinking our ability to support the increasing volume of young people who need us. This should be a time of progress. Its been more than 10 years since I came out. And yet, queer kids today are more afraid to be themselves at school than many of us were a decade ago.We should be moving forward, not tearing down the few safe places weve fought so hard to build.Ending suicide is about people, not politics. Regardless of how we feel on LGBTQ+ issues, we all want to ensure the health and safety of young people. So please. If youve ever needed a lifeline, or just believe no kid should have to walk through the world alone, sign the petition to protect our 988 line, and donate if you can. One day, a scared kid is going to Google,Is it okay to be queer?and pray the internet gives them hope. Lets make sure The Trevor Project is still there to answer.If this story affected you, just know you are not alone. TheTrans Lifeline Hotlineoffers support to trans/nonbinary people struggling with mental health from 10 A.M. to 6 P.M. PST Monday-Friday. Call (877) 565-8860 to be connected to a trans/nonbinary peer operator and receive full anonymity and confidentiality. The Trevor Project Lifeline, for LGBTQ+ youth ages 24 and younger, can be reached at (866) 488-7386.Subscribe to theLGBTQ Nation newsletterand be the first to know about the latest headlines shaping LGBTQ+ communities worldwide.