When Jim Morris was 67 years old, their doctor diagnosed them with prostate cancer and suggested that they undergo radiation treatment. The doctor also prescribed them medication to stop their bodys production of testosterone, a sex hormone thats found in higher levels in people assigned male at birth, because it can fuel the growth of cancer cells.Morris began taking testosterone blockers and hated every minute of it, they told LGBTQ Nation. After one month, their bodys estrogen (a sex hormone that, while found in both men and women, is responsible for the development of female secondary sex characteristics) quickly took effect, lowering their sex drive, reducing their muscle tone, and giving them exhausting hot flashes, especially at night. Related Hormone therapy reduces depression in trans & nonbinary adults, new study says It was emotionally painful, because I saw my body change dramatically and it was feminizing: My genitals shrunk. I lost virtually all hair, except for the hair on my head, eyebrows, and lashes. I gained weight in all the places that women gain weight, Morris said. I missed looking at my body in a way that made me feel good, because the body Id grown up with was gone. I just really felt like it wasnt me. I was a wreck for most of the time.I was screaming at people in the car on my way to work. I was like, Ah god, I remember this, but this is not what I want.Jim Morris Never Miss a Beat Subscribe to our newsletter to stay ahead of the latest LGBTQ+ political news and insights. Subscribe to our Newsletter today After about 18 months, Morris convinced their doctor to stop the hormone therapy and requested to be given testosterone injections, which was real controversial, Morris said. His colleagues thought it was a bad idea, but I had walked in prepared with these studies from Harvard and Yale saying that it was okay, so he did it.Morris spent the next nine months taking testosterone injections and began seeing male aspects of their body once again, with some weight loss and hair growth. Morris also found that they became just absolutely obsessed with sex like a teenage kid again. It was like, I see it, I feel it,' Morris said of their male characteristics. I was screaming at people in the car on my way to work. I was like, Ah god, I remember this, but this is not what I want.'Soon after, medical tests revealed that Morriss cancer had metastasized to their spine, so their doctor suggested the resumption of testosterone blockers. Morris refused and asked if they could reconsider the possibility in six months. But their doctor said, In six months, you will have hundreds of tumors, and you will be really, really sick and in pain.So Morris reluctantly resumed the testosterone blockers. But this time, they changed their outlook about the physical and emotional changes caused by their bodys estrogen. My heart had opened, they said. I was a lot more calm and loving and kind and [had] the ability to be close and vulnerable with other people. That led to discussions about gender with their therapist. Morris had always considered themselves a swishy and feminine gay man. But instead of fighting the feminizing side effects of the medication, they leaned into it and began exploring what femininity meant to them.Im really sort of trying to pull gender out of [my experience] entirely, because Im terminal before too long, this cancer will get me, they said. The medication Im on will quit working in about one to three years, and Im in year three now, and theres nothing they can do after this medication quits working. And I realize Im not going to take gender with me. So Im just really trying to just allow [my gender journey] to be totally neutral and just whatever Im feeling at the moment.I feel like a grandmother, watching the grandkids being harmed with such pain and badness. The trans people in this country right now are being subjected to the very same things that we were in the early days of the gay rights movement.Jim MorrisIts difficult to say how common Morris experience is. While the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates approximately 18,000 men are diagnosed with advanced metastatic prostate cancer annually, an oncologist told LGBTQ Nation that only a small percentage of these men will take medications to block testosterone production, and not all of them will experience or embrace the medications feminizing effects.Some of these men may feel anxious and depressed about any bodily changes they experience, especially any erectile dysfunction and growth of breasts, the oncologist added, but others may not internalize any shift in their gender identity, let alone explore a newfound trans or nonbinary identity.In Morris case, during their second time on the testosterone blockers, they began using psychedelics to explore their feelings around their terminal cancer and their gender shift.Jim Morris at a coffeeshop | Jim Morris In those psychedelic journeys, the spirit that talks to me tends to be pretty drive a pretty hard bargain, Morris said. During one of my fairly recent psychedelic journeys, the message to me was just loud and clear that gender is something we made up, and that its immaterial and unimportant.The spirit also had another message for Morris: You cant die until you are grandmother. Initially confused by the message, Morris came to associate their current being with that of The Crone, the final of the three-part maiden mother crone archetype, representing the different stages of a womans life. The Crone has this unique relationship of death, Morris said. Shes an old woman whos seen it all. She doesnt judge right or wrong. She just knows that shes seen death and life and pain and joy, and she just kind of lives, so that led me to think, Thats kind of the space I want to be in.'Amidst their complicated feelings about death, Morris also felt inspired by the Indian guru Sadhgurus teachings on the Hindu god Krishna and the concept of Leela, a playful engagement with lifes most profound and serious aspects.To explore the most profound dimensions of life in a playful way, you must be willing to play with your awareness, with your imagination, with your memory, with your life, with your death, Sadhguru wrote. If you are willing to play with everything, only then there is Leela. Wanting to embrace this more lighthearted and playful attitude, Morris began using the name Leela amongst members of Portland, Oregons radical faeries, a community of queer spiritualists who embrace healing, open-hearted communication, and counter-cultural self-expression. Morris experience is unique from other trans and nonbinary people because they werent seeking to transition between genders. But now, having spent the last few years embracing the feminizing effects of estrogen, theyve gained insights into their male and female experience, they said.Native American culture has Two-Spirits, honored individuals who embody both masculine and feminine spirits. Queer Western culture has designated similar individuals as gender outlaws, nonbinary people (which Morris identifies as), or the third sex. But while nonbinary and gender-fluid people have existed throughout history (and in several notable works of fiction), theyve only begun to appear more frequently in mainstream media, often as actors, leaving Morris and others without models for such an existence. Since embracing their femininity, Morris has begun noticing how hormones affect their male friends, who they believe are being held captive by desire, wanting and obsessing, and most of it is image maybe its power or position, whatever. Yeah, I think testosterone is at the core of most of that.Morris always enjoyed the presence of women in their life. They were married to a woman for several years during their young adulthood, andafter divorcingsurrounded themselves with many lesbian friends. But during Morris own late-stage gender journey, they began spending time with a nonbinary pal who gave them feminine clothing and treated them to their first pedicure and manicure. Morris now wears flowing garments and jewelry in their daily life.Theyve also begun to feel a growing concern over the Republican rhetoric and policies attacking transgender and nonbinary people. I feel like a grandmother, watching the grandkids being harmed with such pain and badness, they said. The trans people in this country right now are being subjected to the very same things that we were in the early days of the gay rights movement. And its even more harsh because this has serious health effects, as they deny health coverage, et cetera.Morris, who used to work closely with the statewide LGBTQ+ rights organization Basic Rights Oregon, feels encouraged seeing younger LGBTQ+ people attend a monthly open mic event arranged by their partner at Artichoke Community Music, a local performance venue attached to a music store.There are a number of trans folks that show up there, and Im just so amazed at the courage that they bring, Morris said. Its incredible.Subscribe to theLGBTQ Nation newsletterand be the first to know about the latest headlines shaping LGBTQ+ communities worldwide.