When Kay Garnellen, age 47, first visited a gay bathhouse in San Francisco in 2008, he had not yet begun his transition, and the experience felt daunting especially since he had never had sex with a cis man before. He had heard about the Eros bathhouse in San Francisco, where trans men were not only among the patrons but also worked on staff, and despite his fears he decided to go. When he finally did, a chance encounter changed everything: He met the owner of the bathhouse, and they eventually became lovers. Related American Ninja & runner explain how being trans helps them undercut their competitors machismo That was my first time having sex with a guy, and it was amazing because he had obviously been with a lot of trans guys before me. I felt completely comfortable and safe with him, Garnellen said.The experience was transformative for Garnellen. But when he returned to Paris, where he lived at the time, he found a very different landscape. Trans men were entirely invisible in gay bathhouses, and there was no space where he felt safe or welcome. As a result, he turned to darkrooms instead. Never Miss a Beat Subscribe to our newsletter to stay ahead of the latest LGBTQ+ political news and insights. Subscribe to our Newsletter today I first started going to darkrooms because they were dimly lit, and I could keep my clothes on and give blowjobs without anyone noticing that I was trans, he said.Eventually, Garnellen began a relationship with a nonbinary person who was assigned male at birth, and together they started going to gay bathhouses. Garnellen visited these spaces not only to enjoy time with his partner but also to increase visibility for trans men, who were still a rare presence in Parisian bathhouses. Looking back, he feels that he didnt experience explicit transphobia, in the sense of hostile intent or violence, but rather a pervasive ignorance and lack of awareness.When you constantly hear things like, Oh, you dont have a d**k, youre not a real man, or Im not interested in you, it can feel aggressive, even if its not meant that way, he said. I always tried to keep that in mind, but that doesnt mean I didnt get angry sometimes. It was just too much, one comment after another.Most gay men he encountered had little or no understanding of what it meant to be trans, and he often found himself having to explain himself. Even after undergoing top surgery and achieving what he describes as a complete passing, finding sexual partners in the bathhouse remained a significant challenge. He describes the overall experience in one word: frustrating.A sign for a mens only bathhouse in New York. | Shutterstock Bathhouses have been a cornerstone of modern gay culture since at least the Ariston Bathhouse raid in New York in 1903. In times of persecution, they offered a relatively safe space for discreet encounters between men, a rare refuge in a hostile world. After the Stonewall riots, bathhouses evolved into sites of liberation, places where gay sexuality could be openly celebrated. Yet that freedom has also brought criticism, with some pointing to the objectification of men and the perceived emptiness of anonymous sex within certain corners of bathhouse culture.Despite these contradictions, gay bathhouses have endured. They remain both popular and significant, often serving as places of sexual initiation and self-discovery for new generations of gay men. Increasingly, this also includes trans men whether gay, bisexual, pansexual, or otherwise queer-identified. But inclusion has not always been a given. For a long time, trans men were either absent or made to feel unwelcome in those spaces.I asked Kay out loud, Wait, is it really okay to touch people without asking first? I was surprised by his answer. He said, Yes, its okay. If you dont want it, you just slap the hand away.Spangle Durac, a 46-year-old trans manWhen Garnellen moved to Berlin in 2010, nearly nine years passed before he set foot in a gay bathhouse again. This time, he appeared in one for an event called Faeries & Friends, during which the venue opened its doors free of charge to the citys Radical Faerie community. He was pleasantly surprised by how much the scene had changed in the meantime. By then, most patrons were familiar with trans men, and there were far fewer intrusive questions. Finding sexual partners had also become noticeably easier. Returning to the bathhouse and witnessing this shift helped him feel more at home.Now I feel part of the gay community, the queer gay community, not the mainstream, he said.Encouraged by this change, Garnellen even began bringing other trans men to gay bathhouses, acting as a kind of guide and source of support. This is how Spangle Durac, age 46, found himself at a gay bathhouse for the first time, in 2024. At the time, he had tried to restart work as a sex worker, and a client expressed interest in his profile. The client suggested they meet at a gay bathhouse in a town in Eastern France, not far from where Durac still lives. He agreed, partly because Garnellen offered to accompany him.They chose a day when the bathhouse was open to all genders and sexualities, although it was still predominantly frequented by gay men. Durac recalls feeling a mix of nervousness and curiosity about stepping into such an unfamiliar space for the first time. In the end, the client never showed up, but Durac and Garnellen stayed anyway.My sexuality is primarily gay, so I do feel a sense of belonging to that culture, but because of my background, there are still some challenges at times.Axel, a 34-year-old trans manComing mostly from the sex-positive scene, where consent is always verbally negotiated, Durac was taken aback by how physical contact was handled in the bathhouse setting.Someone touched me without asking, and I didnt think that was okay. I asked Kay out loud, Wait, is it really okay to touch people without asking first? I was surprised by his answer. He said, Yes, its okay. If you dont want it, you just slap the hand away, Durac said.While Durac understands that gay bathhouses operate by a different code, where touch is often assumed unless actively refused, he admits its not really his thing. His only sexual encounter during that visit left him with mixed memories. The man he engaged with seemed unaware of the specific hygiene needs of his genitalia and ignored basic boundaries, such as not using the same finger to play with different orifices. Given the lack of verbal negotiation of consent in bathhouse culture, Durac isnt particularly eager to return any time soon. However, if sex work requires him to meet a client there, he now feels confident enough to go on his own. | Shutterstock Axel, age 34 who prefers to go by his first name only had a very different, and much more positive, experience than Durac. Originally from Denmark, he moved to Berlin in 2018 to work as a somatic therapist. In 2019, he decided to visit the same gay bathhouse that Garnellen had patronized. Before going, Axel did his research and confirmed that the bathhouse had an explicitly trans-friendly policy. For him, the motivation was simple: He just wanted to enjoy the space the way his gay friends did.I was curious, and I had heard many of my gay cis friends talk about it as a regular part of their lives. My sexuality is primarily gay, so I do feel a sense of belonging to that culture, but because of my background, there are still some challenges at times, Axel said.When he finally visited the bathhouse, Axel says that he lowered his bar and went in simply hoping to have a good time, without necessarily expecting a sexual encounter. As it happened, he did meet someone. Before things progressed, Axel disclosed that he was trans.Encounters with trans men, however, helped cis gay men reframe how they thought about genitalia and eased their own sense of inadequacy.He got really excited. He said something like, Oh, Ive been hoping for this to happen for years. He had even watched gay trans porn before. Then we went to one of the cabins, and I had a really good experience. And honestly, thats how most of my experiences have been, he said.Axel feels that, although there is still work to be done, the changes in places like Berlin have been remarkable. In the not-so-distant past, he says, welcoming trans men was seen as something the community did for them, but nowadays, its different.What I often hear is that gay cis men, at least the ones whove stayed rather than moving on to less inclusive spaces, say the presence of trans and non-binary people has actually changed the scene in ways they were looking forward to, Axel said. Its something that helps them break out of old patterns, think more creatively, and expand how they express themselves and understand their identity. Its really an expansion of whats possible, not just for trans and non-binary people, but for gay cis men as well. As an example, Axel recalls cis gay men who struggled with feelings of inferiority about their penis size. Encounters with trans men, however, helped them reframe how they thought about genitalia and eased their own sense of inadequacy.The stories of Kay, Spangle, and Axel illuminate the complex and ongoing journey toward inclusion within gay bathhouse culture. From invisibility and frustration to cautious acceptance and celebration, the evolution reflects broader shifts in how gender and sexuality are understood and embraced.While challenges remain, the growing presence and recognition of trans men in these spaces enrich not only their own sense of identity and community but also expand the possibilities for all who gather there.Subscribe to theLGBTQ Nation newsletterand be the first to know about the latest headlines shaping LGBTQ+ communities worldwide.