WASHINGTONClaiming that 100% of users experienced dangerous side effects as a result of wearing the contraceptive device, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly paused an amorous moment Thursday to issue a dire warning to his mistress about condoms causing autism.All of the increased cases of autism over the last decade can be traced to condom usageat least from what Ive been reading, said the nude health and human services secretary, insisting the 32-year-old woman go wash her hands after touching a still-packaged Trojan-brand condom she had retrieved from her nightstand.Something about the latex or maybe the friction encourages autism growth in the genitals, he continued. Or, it goes into your bloodstream and straight to your brainand also into your sperm, which then becomes your future childrens brains. I dont remember exactly what it was, but I know its really bad. The media has been suppressing the evidence, since the major publications are basically run by condom companies these days, but its all out there if you know where to look. Theres even a medical journal called Condoms And Autism that publishes stuff all the time about how theyre so bad for you. Once put on, they stay in your penis system for, like, years, so I think its better not to risk it. Dental dams too, sorry.Kennedy later announced that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration would be revoking its approval of condoms and banning their sale nationwide.The post RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism appeared first on The Onion.