WASHINGTONPositioning pubic hair as the bodys natural bulwark against urethral intrusions, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. urged Americans Thursday to grow as many pubes as possible to keep bugs from crawling into their cockholes. Pubes are the strongest type of hair there is, with tensile strength exceeding that of steel, and they serve as a vital barrier for preventing small insects from wriggling into penis holes in search of nutrients or shelter, said the nations top health official, urging Americans to follow his example by covering their groins with a thick nest of hair to deter crickets, silverfish, and other pests intent on entering their urethras. As a matter of preventive health, Id recommend a baseline pubic length of three inchesthe minimum needed to safeguard against larger bug threats such as horseflies, moths, and wolf spiders. Big Urology would have you believe that one little tuft will do the job, but thats like putting up a single traffic cone and calling it border security. Also, this likely goes without saying, but since children dont have hair down there, they should be kept safely indoors until theyre able to grow adequate coverage to protect their vulnerable regions. Kennedy concluded the press conference by announcing a $4 billion federal initiative to raise awareness about the new guidelines nationwide entitled Secure The Slit.The post RFK Jr. Urges Americans To Grow Lots Of Pubes To Keep Bugs From Crawling In Cockhole appeared first on The Onion.