NEW YORKIn a desperate ploy aimed at playing on the sympathies of concerned viewers, CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss reportedly attempted to boost ratings for her struggling programs this week by kidnapping the mother of evening anchor Tony Dokoupil. Im not going to hurt you, Ms. Dokoupil, but youll be staying with me at least until the end of spring sweeps next month, said a masked Weiss, who, according to sources, planned to seed tentpole shows such as Face The Nation and Sunday Morning with lurid details of Gail Dokoupils captivity, counting down the days, hours, and minutes until a deadline set by an anonymous kidnapper to bring in an additional 2 million viewers. If all goes to plan, particularly in the more coveted demographics, Ill get you home safe and sound. If notwell, lets just hope the audience comes through for you. At press time, CBS News ratings had yet to improve, and witnesses claimed to have seen a masked woman ushering the granddaughters of longtime60 Minutes host Lesley Stahl into the back of a van.The post Bari Weiss Attempts To Boost Ratings By Kidnapping Tony Dokoupils Mom appeared first on The Onion.