LONDONUrging the public to remain calm as authorities worked to recapture the mentally disturbed individual, city officials confirmed Monday that novelist J.K. Rowling had escaped from a London insane asylum.At 7:33 this morning, medical staff reportedly discovered the Harry Potter author and outspoken anti-trans activist had broken out of her padded, maximum-security cell at St. Edmunds Hospital for the Criminally Insane, where she has been an inmate for the past 10 years. The news sent shockwaves through the United Kingdom, whose 70 million residents sheltered in place while law enforcement swept libraries, electronics stores, and other locations with free internet-enabled computers where it was believed the dangerous and highly reactive fugitive might try to access social media.Ms. Rowling currently poses an extreme danger both to herself and the public, and we will not rest until she is apprehended, said Deputy Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police Matt Jukes, who added that citizens should report sightings to an emergency hotline and should not, under any circumstances, attempt to debate her. If you spot her, contact authorities immediately, and do not, I repeat do not, engage. Her brain doesnt work like a healthy persons. She has fallen far beyond the brink of reason.A security camera caught mental patient J.K. Rowling breaking free from her restraints. Keep your eyes and ears open, Jukes added. You will hear her, and her opinions, coming.According to guards, Rowling had a history of disturbing behavior within the high-security mental facility and would often go on unhinged rants, threatening to kidnap the late Queen Elizabeth II, imprison her in a life-size replica of Hagrids hut, and expose her as the transgender leader of a LGBTQIA+ cabal.Despite her heavily impaired cognitive abilities, officials said Rowling was still easily able to unlock her cells half dozen electromechanical deadbolts, kill several armed guards with her bare hands, and use her feces to smear TERF IS A SLUR on the facilitys walls before scaling a 20-foot-tall barbed-wire fence and disappearing into the London night.Sightings of a barefoot, straightjacket-clad individual who matched Rowlings description were reported just hours after her escape. Terrified witnesses said this person sprinted into open traffic and jumped onto the hoods of vehicles, screaming, This highway is for biological females only! and Youll never be a biological woman! Youre a car!Several reports indicated that a decoy iPad loaded with nothing but the X app was planted at the base of the Shaftesbury Memorial Fountain in Piccadilly Circus, where officers lay in wait hoping that Rowling would take the bait.Ive spent my whole career treating the most extreme cases of mental illnessmany that ended in homicidesbut J.K. Rowling is by far the most alarming patient Ive encountered, said a St. Edmunds staffer who spoke on the condition of anonymity, noting that healthcare workers at the psychiatric facility preferred working with rapists and murderers to the unpredictable and erratic Rowling. No matter how many antipsychotics we gave her, she still thought every orderly was Emma Watson. Last month, she bit a nurses arm and then called her ungrateful.Wed tranquilize her every night; otherwise, she wouldnt sleep, the staffer added. She claims we gave her male sheets, but I think she just means theyre blue.Authorities confirmed Rowling was sighted this afternoon in Hackney, where the bestselling author burst into the waiting room of a pediatric dentist office while foaming at the mouth, her appearance causing patients and their parents to scream and run for cover. A receptionist at the dental practice was reportedly left with minor injuries, including a broken nose, after Rowling assaulted her and accused the practice of performing illegal gender surgery on minors.I tried telling her, I just answer phones here! We clean teeth! but she was having none of it, said receptionist Rebecca Shepherd, who gripped her jaw and recalled with horror the wild look in Rowlings eyes. She said, The teeth are the children! Youre mutilating the teeth! and then punched me in the face. Ill never forget the look on her face. It wasnt humanit was TERF.At press time, officials reported Rowling had been recaptured after entering an empty womens bathroom, yelling I know youre in there, and knocking herself unconscious as she tried to break down a stall door.The post J.K. Rowling EscapesInsane Asylum appeared first on The Onion.