WASHINGTONIn a major new agreement expected to provide the United States with unprecedented market access to the island nation, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had finalized a long-anticipated trade deal with Pedotopia.Despite years of tension between the two leaders, Trump smiled and gave a thumbs-up as he shook hands with Prime Minister Felix Orwick of Pedotopia, lauding the special relationship he shared with his mustachioed counterpart. The pact follows months of heated negotiations that reportedly made use of a diplomatic back channel with Pedotopia maintained by American casting directors, superyacht owners, youth ministers, and scoutmasters.Today Im proud to announce another great trade deal for the American people, perhaps the greatest deal in our nations history, Trump said of the accord, which requires Pedotopia to purchase two dozen F-35 fighter jets, 3 million tons of American soybeans, and 100,000 U.S.-born preteens over the next decade. My administration was able to find a lot of common ground with Pedotopia. Other presidents have tried, but this is the first time anyone has succeeded.We look forward to having Pedotopia as a partnerits a wonderful country, Trump continued. They say it has someof the most gorgeous Catholic cathedrals in the world. And the children there are beautiful, just beautiful.Freight containers filled with Pedotopias best-known exports are already en route to American consumers.The trade framework, officially known as the U.S.-Pedo Agreement on Critical Minerals and Transnational Lolitas, gives the United States increased access to rare earth elements crucial for the electronics and defense industries, while also setting the effective tariff rate at 15% for all underage sex slaves shipped into the country from Pedotopia. This is significantly lower than the 135% duty Trump imposed in April, when he repeated his long-held claim that Pedotopia was ripping off Americans and he promised to reshore child prostitution jobs from abroad.Top White House officials credited the president with extracting major concessions from Pedotopia, which will open its markets to U.S. oil and gas, in addition to granting American predators the right to import up to 1.2 million cubic yards of prepubescents annually.According to sources with knowledge of the talks, the deal nearly fell apart when Trump insisted on eliminating the demolestimis exemption, a loophole that allowed Pedotopia to avoid levies on underdeveloped children below 80 pounds. But the prime minister agreed to give up that benefit in exchange for the lifting of U.S. export restrictions on Nvidias most advanced AI chips.Im pleased to announce the United States will remain Pedotopias largest child-trading partner, said Orwick, who during his time leading the Groper Republic has prioritized the cultivation of a customer base among North American pedophiles. President Trump has been a great friend to Pedotopia. He understands the importance of investing in supply chains of sexually immature minors so the child-sex trafficking that is vital to both our economies can continue to flourish.Ethics watchdogs have warned the deal would give child sex offenders with ties to Trump family businesses preferential access to the vast reserves of children arriving on container ships in U.S. ports. In addition, a recent ProPublica investigation found that Orwick has approved generous tax credits for several of the presidents commercial real estate developments, including a new Trump International Golf Club to be built on the Pedotopian coast.Though Trump ran for office on reigning in inflation to keep prices low for American families, the costs of masseuses, adolescent spa attendants, and domestic rent boys have remained stubbornly high, and in December the president announced a $12 billion relief package for groomers whose activities have been impacted.Former Treasury Secretary Larry Summers, who oversaw U.S. child-groping efforts under President Bill Clinton, criticized the new trade deal.The pedophiles ate Trumps lunch on this one, the Harvard economist said. What you ideally want out of a healthy international sex-trafficking ring are lower barriers to market that bring down the ages of these girls for everyone. Protectionist policies inevitably backfire and make it harder for American families to have a dark secret.Its also important to note that many of these child-bride agreements are nonbinding, Summers added.The post U.S. Reaches Trade Deal With Pedotopia appeared first on The Onion.