LGBTQ+ partners in polyamorous relationships are slowly winning legal recognition and rights
Three years after marrying Bryan Lowder, Cam McDonald met Tristan Chirico on a gay dating app. The three men spent increasing amounts of time together over the next four months, enjoying their lives in New York City, before they all realized that they were more or less dating.Neither Lowder nor McDonald was initially seeking a third person to join their relationship, they told LGBTQ Nation. Tristan was the first person where I was like, Wow, I kind of have as much fun, or I feel as connected with Tristan as I do with Brian,' McDonald said. I just had never felt that connection with anyone before Brian or after, until I met Tristan. Related The 7 types of polyamorous relationships you should know Polyamorous relationships are diverse and complex compared to monogamy. Read on to learn about the different types of polyamorous relationships and how they work. [We didnt see] polyamory as something to aspire to, Chirico said. It just felt so natural and so perfect. Lowder and McDonald conscientiously included him in essential conversations and decision-making, always referring to him socially as their partner never as their third. They also introduced one another to each others families, which warmly accepted their relationship, they said. Never Miss a Beat Subscribe to our newsletter to stay ahead of the latest LGBTQ+ political news and insights. Subscribe to our Newsletter today Theyve been in a committed throuple now for nearly eight years and have all lived in the same co-op apartment for the last seven years. But as their relationship has progressed, theyve begun looking for a lawyer to secure legal rights for their relationship.If Chirico got hospitalized, for example, Lowder and McDonald wouldnt have visitation rights because theyre not legally his family members. Chirico cant add either of them to his workplaces health insurance plan, even as domestic partners, because theyre both married to one another. If Lowder and McDonald were both to die, Chirico wouldnt be able to remain in their shared apartment (even though he has contributed to its mortgage) because the co-ops laws only allow apartments to be left to immediate family members.Such relationships involving more than just two partners are hardly unique. While estimates vary, about4 to 5% of U.S. adults practice nonmonogamy(at least 13 million Americans), one out of five Americans has consented to a polyamorous romantic relationship at some point, and 31% of millennials say that their current relationship is non-monogamous to some degree. Even dating apps have reported a dramatic increase in users who include non-monogamous and polyamorous in their online profiles. This is a really sizable community of people, and one that is really gaining steam and traction as a movement for thinking about family differently, Diana Adams, a lawyer and activist who specializes in polyamorous family law, tells LGBTQ Nation.Polyamorous relationships have always existed, Adams says, but they have recently gained greater recognition due to increases in media depictions, societal acceptance, and personal self-expression alongside reductions in cultural shame and stigma around consensually non-monogamous relationships.But because courts dont consider relationship structure a protected classlike gender, religion, or racepartners in polyamorous relationships have no explicit legal protections. All 50 states and federal law prohibit bigamy and polygamy (marriage to two or more spouses), in part because U.S. law is based on British common law and it often reflects Christian cultural values, which have both only recognized monogamous marriages, according to attorney Ty McDuffey As such, people in polyamorous relationships can be denied housing, healthcare, joint tax filings, property, and inheritance, be fired from work or have their child custody revoked with no recourse, due largely to legal custom, personal bias, and societal disapproval.Polygamy is still treated as a dirty word, one mired in a religious fundamentalist view of women and children as a mans personal property. Media depictions of polyamory often focus on sensational or inflammatory aspects, and people often view such relationships as less honest, less meaningful, and less satisfying, according to the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition (PLAC)a coalition of academic and legal professionals that advances the civil and human rights of polyamorous people, communities, and families through legislative advocacy, public policy, and public educationthat Adams helped co-found.As a result, conservative legal authorities regularly stigmatize polyamory as an immoral sexual kink (similar to swinging or wife swapping) that is inherently unstable and a danger to children. To avoid discrimination, many polyamorous partners remain closeted, hiding their relationships from coworkers, family, and friends.While many people might stereotypically think of most polyamorous partners as white and wealthy, thats completely false, Adams told Vanity Fair, and likely a result of non-white and non-wealthy poly partners not feeling as comfortable publicly discussing their relationships.My definition of family is people who are committed to be there for each other no matter what. This includes chosen family, regardless of biological relationship or legal marriage. Diana Adams, longtime polyamorous lawyer and activistIn reality, polyamorous partners appreciate other aspects of their relationships far more than the sexual ones, according to Dr. Heath Schechinger, co-founder of PLAC and theModern Family Institute. Schechingers researchfound that polyamorous and non-monogamous people benefit more from larger social and support networks, increased honesty among their partners, and more autonomy and independence.And as for their effect on children, Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a sociologist and expert witness in child custody cases involving polyamorous families, found that the adult children of poly partners excel at honesty, strong communication, conflict resolution, and the ability to take responsibility. The now grown kids tell me they learned how to communicate, and establish and maintain networks of supportive intimates who are there for them emotionally and practically, Sheff told Vanity Fair. Another significant benefit they mention is that being exposed to so many different adults while growing up has helped them learn how to comfortably and confidently interact with all sorts of different people.Despite the continued stigmatization against poly relationships, there has been some recent progress in securing them greater legal rights. In 2022, a New York City judge broke legal precedent by protecting the rights of polyamorous partners involved in an eviction court case. PLAC also helped draft policiesrecently passed by the Massachusetts cities of Arlington, Cambridge andSomervillethat extend limited legal recognition to polyamorous relationships (somewhat resembling domestic partnerships). The Californian cities of Berkeley and Oakland also passed similar measures.These policies not only provide some protection to polyamorous relationships, but also to extended kinship networks, platonic long-term lifemates, siblings, close friends, caretakers and many others, according to Kimberly Rhoten, director of LGBTQ policy & strategic initiatives in the Boston mayors office.However, these municipal policies cant require national corporate employers elsewhere in the country to cover city residents multiple partners on their health insurance. Nor can the policies force the federal government to provide multiple partners with Social Security benefits or the filing of joint taxes. In fact, there are roughly over 1,000 federal marriage benefits that remain inaccessible to polyamorous partners. That doesnt mean there arent workarounds though. From the1970s to early 2000s long before the legalization of same-sex marriage some LGBTQ+ adults adopted their adult same-sex partners to establish legal family relationships and help ensure inheritance and healthcare rights. The maneuver become less common with the legalization of marriage equality though.Palimony exists in some states as an equitable way to divide of assets for unmarried and cohabitating partners. But it can be denied by judges during polyamorous family break ups, according to lawyer Jacqueline Brant. Polyamorous partners with large assets can form a limited liability company (LLC), a corporate business structure that allow partners to purchase property together, share a health insurance plan, file joint taxes, and outline roles for each partners roles as well as arrangements for any exits. But LLCs are complex and also require the household to engage in some sort of commercial business activity, which can be difficult for primary homemakers or partners who work for outside employers.Numerous lawyers notes that poly partners can use legally binding wills, estate planning, healthcare power of attorney, custody, parenting and cohabitation agreements to designate partners as beneficiaries, decision-makers, child guardians, and other roles in cases of separation or death.Adams sees nothing dishonest about using existing law to protect polyamorous relationships. In fact, she and other poly advocates say theyd rather try to help people to get benefits within the current legal system rather than push for state or national recognition of polyamorous marriages. She notes that 38% of American adults are single and those individuals would benefit from legal protections that cover many different kind of partnership configurations, not just polyamorous ones.Other proponents of polyamorous rights differ on this point. They claim that banning polygamy violates the Equal Protection Clause of the Constitutions Fourteenth Amendment, especially since some partners feel that their polyamory is an inborn and immutable characteristic that makes monogamy impossible for them. Adams notes that infidelity remains a dominant reason for monogamous separations.Plural marriage, like same-sex marriage, is encompassed in the right to personal choice inherent in the concept of individual autonomy, lawyer Lynne Strober wrote. The right to marry is fundamental, but nowhere is it required that it be limited to two people, just as it is nowhere written that it must be limited to individuals of the opposite sex. Just as it would be demeaning to lock same-sex couples out of a central institution of our nations society, it would be just as debasing to bar polygamous couples from this institution of marriage.Regardless, Schechinger, Adams, and the other PLAC coalition members would like to see an increase in multi-partner domestic partnership laws at a city and state level. To reach this goal, PLAC, theModern Family Institute, theChosen Family Law Center, theOrganization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy,and the Harvard Law LGBTQ+ Advocacy Clinic are compiling a packet of materials that will help people lobby their city councilperson for such policies. The packet will include relevant research and educational information, case examples, legal insights, and advocacy strategies. In the meanwhile, Adams suggests that polyamorous partners proactively discuss their preferred arrangements before establishing any legal documents to back them up. My definition of family is people who are committed to be there for each other no matter what, Adams said in her December 2021 TED Talk. This includes chosen family, regardless of biological relationship or legal marriage. Many Black families in the U.S. have chosen aunties and uncles with no blood relation but a decision to be family and a commitment to the children involved. Countless LGBTQ people create chosen family when theyre rejected by their family of origin, or when wanting to create families that share their values.When relationships have legal status like this, it reduces discrimination and promotes social acceptance and awareness, she said.Subscribe to theLGBTQ Nation newsletterand be the first to know about the latest headlines shaping LGBTQ+ communities worldwide.
