What are LAT relationships, and what do they mean for the LGBTQ+ community?
Sarah Paulson has a four-word relationship hack: We dont live together. When the American Horror Story star told the SmartLess podcast in May 2024 that she and longtime partner Holland Taylor spend plenty of time together, but we dont live in the same house, queer Twitter hailed it as the ultimate blueprint for keeping the spark alive without sharing a bathroom.That setup has a name living-apart-together (LAT) and, far from being a celebrity quirk, its a relationship style with deep roots in LGBTQ+ culture, where autonomy and safety have always been prized alongside intimacy. The arrangement has outgrown its origins in sociology seminars. A 2023 U.S. census micro-tabulation counted almost four million American couples who live apart by choice, and a 2024 U.K. study finds LAT is a common cohabitation among daters over 60. For LGBTQ+ folks, the draw is clear: autonomy without sacrificing intimacy, space that feels safe, and a flexible structure.PRIDE asked Ruth L. Schwartz., PhD, a queer relationship coach and Director of Conscious Girlfriend Academy, and Dr. Angela Downey, a lesbian family physician from The Codependent Doctor, to break down how LAT works, the perks and pitfalls they see in practice, and the concrete steps to try it.What does living apart together actually mean?The term LAT relationships (and the idea of living apart, together) originated, to my knowledge, with a Dutch writer in the 1970s, but its gotten popularized recently because honestly, for a great many people both straight and LGBTQ+, it has a lot of appeal, Dr. Schwartz tells PRIDE. Dr. Downey puts it in plain sociological terms. LAT stands for Living Apart Together, and refers to couples who are in a committed relationship but choose to live separately, she says. It emerged in sociological research from Europe in the early 2000s as a way to describe changing partnership structures that defy traditional living arrangements.In other words, you can be fully partnered rings, group-chats, pet-insurance, the whole nine but keep two sets of keys.Why LGBTQ+ partners embrace LATQueer folks have never fit neatly inside Hallmarks domestic script. LGBTQ people have been forced to and have also claimed the right to define our relationships for ourselves, Dr. Schwartz notes. For many of the lesbians she coaches, especially women 50-plus whove already created their own homes or lifestyles the way they like them, merging closets again feels like giving up autonomy.Dr. Downey echoes that cultural remix impulse. LAT relationships are more common in LGBTQ+ communities, where traditional relationship models may feel too restrictive, she says. Choosing not to cohabitate can protect hard-won independence, reduce gender-role baggage, and soften the crush of U-Haul on date two expectations.How common is LAT right now?These days, LAT relationships are no longer fringe.In the United States, roughly 3.89 million Americans about 2.95% of married couples live apart by choice.In all relationships and all ages in the U.K., the 2024 UCL analysis found about one in ten couples maintain separate addresses, with LAT the preferred structure when over-60s start dating. Over-60s specifically: The same study pegs LAT at around 4% of older adults, making it as common as cohabitation in that cohort. Global echoes: Sexologist Pepper Schwartz cites over 4 million married couples in America opting for LAT or long-distance set-ups, a figure repeated in Allures March 2025 trend dive. The takeaway: LAT moved from quirky outlier to measurable slice of relationship data in under a decade.The perks: autonomy, novelty, less roommate dramaDr. Schwartz let us know all about the upside to these types of relationships. When were not having to navigate all the domestic and financial details of a household together, there are fewer points of conflict, she says. Each time we see each other can be special, and more focused on us and on emotional or physical connection.Although she notes it can be pleasurable to be invited to someone elses home or vice versa, she also says lesbian couples often struggle maintaining sufficient autonomy getting to have our own home spaces can give us more of the kind of autonomy which then also makes room for more intimacy. Often, one partners living space offers some goodies that the other partners does not.Dr. Downey adds a clinical spin, noting the uptick in independence but also protecting against enmeshment, which she says can decrease conflict that can come about from living together. LAT can be especially healing for people who are recovering from codependency, caretaking burnout, or past relationship trauma, she says.Read the fine print before you sign the lease(s)While some people love the idea of freedom, others dont have the same feelings.Some people really crave the intimacy of sharing space so not sharing those things could feel like a loss, says Dr. Schwartz. Some people have adopted mainstream society notions that its only a real or committed relationship if youre living together.At the same time, Dr. Downey flags the emotional logistics. There may be more miscommunications and a difference in expectations about time together, future planning, or emotional needs, she says.If kids, caregiving, or fur-babies are in the mix, the Google Calendar juggling intensifies fast.So you want to try LAT?If youre curious about LAT, start with a brutally honest convo. Have an open conversation about why youre interested in LAT and what each of you hopes to gain, Dr. Downey advises. Clarify your values, needs, and boundaries. Its not about avoiding intimacy, its about redefining it intentionally.Dr. Schwartz models the arc with her own story of how she and her partner moved from cohabitation to separate homes. We definitely had more emotional and physical intimacy when we lived separately, she says. It's important to be really clear about what appeals to each person and/or frightens each person about the idea of living separately while in a committed partnership. Obviously, having these conversations from the beginning would be ideal, as there might be more sense of loss involved if people were living together and then one partner wanted to change that.Best practices for thriving together, apartA LAT relationship isnt automatically long-distance. You could live in adjacent apartments, across town, or on another continent. Either way, intentionality rules:Theres a need to carve out time together, because you wont necessarily be waking up in the same bed So, being conscious and intentional about when it works best for you to spend time together will be key, says Schwartz.She recommends rituals from a nightly 30-minute FaceTime to alternating sleepovers tailored to distance and bandwidth.Dr. Downeys prescription is just as explicit. Prioritize your partner through consistent communication, she says. Schedule regular quality time, share rituals that create connection, and check in about how the arrangement is working for both of you.Think of it as relationship cross-training: fewer defaults, more reps of active listening.Redefining intimacy, not dodging itLAT isnt a half-measure; its a design choice. It lets queer couples keep the spark (and the spare room), sidestep heteronormative scripts, and prove, yet again, that intimacy has never required a white-picket mortgage.As Schwartz sums up, Whether a couple lives together or separately, keeping the lines of communication open, and staying out of story, assumption and projection, is key to making the relationship work. For LGBTQ+ folx weighing the move, the question may be less why live apart than why not, if it safeguards both your autonomy and your heart.
