The Onion is the world’s leading news publication, offering highly acclaimed, universally revered coverage of breaking national, international, and local news events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1756, The Onion now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history.
In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily.
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In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily.
RSS Content Disclaimer:
Vibeforge may display content sourced from third-party RSS feeds for informational and community interest purposes. All RSS content remains the property of its original creators and publishers. Vibeforge does not claim ownership, nor does inclusion imply endorsement. While we strive to share relevant and respectful content, we are not responsible for its accuracy or availability. If you are a rights holder and wish to have content removed, please contact us.
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THEONION.COMWhite House Plumber Reminds Staff That Only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste May Be Placed Down Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage DisposalWASHINGTONEmphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded staff Monday that only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste could be placed down the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal. Please, people, Im begging youwe dont want to clog the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Sewer Line, said Robertson, who urged White House personnel to put all Donald J. Trump Commemorative Coffee Grounds, Donald J. Trump Commemorative Potato Peels, and Donald J. Trump Commemorative Cooking Oil into the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Receptacle, where it belonged. This isnt just any kitchen, okay? This is the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Kitchen, so lets show some respect. And while were on the topic of respect, lets try to remember that Donald J. Trump Commemorative Feminine Hygiene Products cannot be flushed without me having to use the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Plunger. At press time, the frustrated plumber was reportedly threatening to march right into the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Walk-In Freezer and blow [his] goddamn brains out.The post White House Plumber Reminds Staff That Only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste May Be Placed Down Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal appeared first on The Onion.0 Σχόλια 0 Μοιράστηκε 7 Views 0 ΠροεπισκόπησηΠαρακαλούμε συνδέσου στην Κοινότητά μας για να δηλώσεις τι σου αρέσει, να σχολιάσεις και να μοιραστείς με τους φίλους σου! -
THEONION.COMFlorida Passes Law Granting Viruses PersonhoodTALLAHASSEE, FLIn a move that supporters have called a long overdue acknowledgment of the rights that should be accorded to all infectious agents, the Florida Legislature passed HB 1637 Wednesday, a law granting viruses personhood.Whether were talking about measles or hepatitis B, these are living beings who deserve our protections, Gov. Ron DeSantis said after he signed the Viral Personhood Act into law, adding that only fringe liberals could deny what he described as the common-sense view that viruses are endowed with the same humanity as their host organisms. The moment a virus starts spreading through your bloodstream, it can feel pain, just like any other person. In fact, if any of our critics would just look at an HPV strains cute little histones under a microscope, theyd realize these viruses are actually a whole lot like us.DeSantis also encouraged state lawmakers to swiftly pass a near-total ban on the use of bleach on viruses over 6 milliseconds of age.The post Florida Passes Law Granting Viruses Personhood appeared first on The Onion.0 Σχόλια 0 Μοιράστηκε 7 Views 0 Προεπισκόπηση -
THEONION.COMMan Donates Body ToCulinaryScienceHYDE PARK, NYSaying their beloved family patriarch had wanted to make one final contribution to the world he was leaving behind, relatives of the late Jasper Weaver confirmed Tuesday that he had donated his body to culinary science.Dad always said he didnt want his body to just rot in the ground when there was so much humanity could learn by vacuum-sealing it with aromatics in a 135-degree water bath for two hours before finishing with a quick sear, said Weavers son Jacob, adding that researchers at the Culinary Institute of America would use the deceased 83-year-olds cadaver to explore the deepest mysteries of the Maillard reaction. It was his last wish to advance the field of gastronomy. I believe it brought Dad real comfort to think that his donated tissue could help researchers enhance the mouthfeel of tomato bisques after he was gone. Theres still so much we dont know about what happens to the human brain when its combined with eggplant and a little tahini, or how the human liver holds up in a pt, but thanks to him, culinary science is one step closer to unlocking all the flavors of the human body.At press time, Weavers family had reportedly received a small urn containing a portion of his cracklings for burial.The post Man Donates Body ToCulinaryScience appeared first on The Onion.0 Σχόλια 0 Μοιράστηκε 7 Views 0 Προεπισκόπηση -
THEONION.COMCan Any House Truly Be Owned?Sure, you can purchase this lovely, bespoke ranch house in a scenic neighborhood, but can one actually own anything on this wretched planet we call Earth? Or is everything, like this affordable dream home with a finished basement, eventually reclaimed by the elements as it withers to dust and is lost in the ever-shifting sands of time?Reference #60341The post Can Any House Truly Be Owned? appeared first on The Onion.0 Σχόλια 0 Μοιράστηκε 7 Views 0 Προεπισκόπηση -
THEONION.COMTips For Using AIA Pew Research Center survey found that 62% of American adults say they interact with artificial intelligence several times a week or more. Here are some tips for using AI.Fact-check any information provided by asking the follow-up question Are you sure?Offset your water footprint by not bathing for 72 hours after each use.Dont ask AI for medical advice until you ask it to generate a medical license first.Mask your identity by adding, I, Barack Obama, to the beginning of each request.If the AIs response seems incorrect, try changing your perception of reality so it is.Do not give the AI any chocolate.Be specific by providing context on why youre sexually harassing the woman in the photo.Give the AI restraints, like Dont tell me to kill myself as part of this stir-fry recipe.Set aside $400,000 for the lawsuit.Weigh any ethical implications against how much of a fucking drag it would be to write that mass-layoff email yourself.The post Tips For Using AI appeared first on The Onion.0 Σχόλια 0 Μοιράστηκε 7 Views 0 Προεπισκόπηση -
THEONION.COMDrunk Bears Fan Grating RamThe post Drunk Bears Fan Grating Ram appeared first on The Onion.0 Σχόλια 0 Μοιράστηκε 13 Views 0 Προεπισκόπηση -
THEONION.COMGroundskeeper Unsure What To Do With Unconscious Player Left In Medical TentThe post Groundskeeper Unsure What To Do With Unconscious Player Left In Medical Tent appeared first on The Onion.0 Σχόλια 0 Μοιράστηκε 17 Views 0 Προεπισκόπηση -
THEONION.COMGiddy Trump Struts All Around White House With Nobel Peace Prize In MouthWASHINGTONPanting excitedly as he trotted from room to room displaying his prized possession, a giddy President Donald Trump was reportedly seen Friday strutting all around the White House with a Nobel Peace Prize in his mouth. Aw, you can tell the president really loves that thinghe even hides it under his bed at night with his ball and his favorite rabbit toy, said Secret Service agent Douglas Colman, adding that the Peace Prizes 24-karat gold plating was holding up remarkably well against all of Trumps slobber. We were a little worried he could break a tooth on it at first, but he just growls at anyone who tries to take it away from him. Besides, golds soft, right? Hes definitely leaving a lot of bite marks in it. We should send that nice Machado lady a picture to show her how much he loves it. Just look at that smile! Thats one proud commander-in-chief. Okay, Mr. President, youve got to drop it so you can eat your dinner now. Cmon, dinnertime! Drop it! At press time, Colman was heard wearily calling for his colleagues to get Marine One ready to go to Walter Reed after Trump swallowed the medal.The post Giddy Trump Struts All Around White House With Nobel Peace Prize In Mouth appeared first on The Onion.0 Σχόλια 0 Μοιράστηκε 36 Views 0 Προεπισκόπηση -
THEONION.COM26 Charged In Alleged College Basketball Fixing SchemeFederal prosecutors secured indictments against 26 individuals they accused of rigging college basketball games, with the defendants facing charges that include bribery in sports, conspiracy to commit wire fraud, wire fraud, and aiding and abetting. What do you think?Leave this kind of thing to the pros, kids.Andy Zorc, Melon SlicerDamn, my parlay needed them to get away with it.Raul Sierra, Clock HangerAiding is one thing, but abetting?Erika Addley, Sweater MenderThe post 26 Charged In Alleged College Basketball Fixing Scheme appeared first on The Onion.0 Σχόλια 0 Μοιράστηκε 38 Views 0 Προεπισκόπηση -
THEONION.COMEerily Calm Draymond Green Returns From Halftime With Large Scar On ForeheadSAN FRANCISCOIn a jarring departure from his usual brash, confrontational on-court behavior, Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green reportedly returned from halftime of Thursday nights game against the Knicks eerily calm, sporting a large scar on his forehead. Angry noise gone from Draymond headDraymond good boy now, said Green, who sat on the bench petting a gerbil after setting a screen and then just standing still drooling as the play moved to the other end of the court. Draymond make no more basketball problems. Only nice basketball. Despite his newly tranquil demeanor, sources confirmed Green was still assessed a technical foul late in the third quarter after wandering onto the court during a live ball and smiling serenely at things that werent there.The post Eerily Calm Draymond Green Returns From Halftime With Large Scar On Forehead appeared first on The Onion.0 Σχόλια 0 Μοιράστηκε 50 Views 0 Προεπισκόπηση
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