GENEVAIn a recommendation of the time-honored method for relieving stress in overwhelming social situations, the World Health Organization released new guidelines Tuesday for the treatment of anxiety by sneaking off to do drugs in the bathroom. Whether youre feeling uncomfortable while out in public or in the home of a friend or relative, you can significantly mitigate symptoms by getting yourself to a quiet space, taking a deep breath, and blocking your emotions with pills, marijuana, or cocaine, said WHO behavioral health epidemiologist Jen Pacheco, who explained that patients could further reduce anxiety by locating a restroom and planning which drugs to binge ahead of time. We find that the majority of patients feel relief after just a couple lines of blow. Additionally, years of research has shown that its impossible to embarrass yourself during small talk if youre smoking weed alone on the toilet. Just turn the fan on and focus on getting so fucking high that you forget about how everyone out there probably hates you. The guidelines also advised anxiety sufferers to deal with the shame of their substance use by doing more drugs.The post Anxiety Experts Recommend Sneaking Off To Do Drugs In Bathroom appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VAIn an apparent attempt to guilt his children into eating their vegetables Monday, White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller reportedly reminded one of his sons, a picky eater, that there were starving boys and girls in the basement who didnt get to have any food at all.Think of the poor, famished children beneath these very floorboards who are forced to go days on end without food or water, and then see if you still dont want to eat your broccoli, said Miller, encouraging his son to listen to the cries of hunger emanating from the floor vents and imagine himself shackled in the dark alongside the malnourished children in the cellar. Some kids from other countries, whom I have captured, are lucky to be fed one measly table scrap a day. Youre very lucky to live on the floor of the house that you do, rather than down below among Daddys prey. You could just as easily have been born in a much poorer place, in which case Id only be feeding you to prolong the suffering. Now open up for the airplane.At press time, sources confirmed Millers picky-eater son had been sent to the torture room without dessert.The post Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In Basement appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KSStressing that he wouldnt want his best bud to feel left out on such a special day, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly asked fiance Taylor Swift this week if, during their upcoming wedding, his brother Jason could get married with them too.It wouldnt feel right if Jason wasnt up there with usmaybe we can just, like, scooch over and let him say some vows, said Kelce, assuring Swift that his sibling would comb his hair, wear a nice shirt, and not cause any problems. When people get married, they become part of each others families, so this would be a nice way to show were all a family now. Also, he would do great at the part where you throw the flowers in the air. Hes really good at throwing! So what do you think? Can he get married with us, please?According to sources, Swift agreed to think about it, eliciting a joyful yelp from behind a nearby curtain, where Jason then emerged, arms wide, yelling, Pack your bagswere all getting married!The post Travis Kelce Asks Taylor Swift If Jason Can Also Get Married With Them appeared first on The Onion.

At my age, most people have given up on their dreams. They go to college, settle down, get steady careers. Pretty soon, theyve spent so much time on the corporate money-go-round they cant even remember what got their engines going in the first place. But I could never see myself holding down a nine-to-five like that. See, Ive spent my whole life determined to rock n roll on my own terms.Truth be told, all Ive ever wanted is to be a musician and for being a musician to be really easy.Ever since I was a kid, Ive hoped that someday, somehow, I could ascend to the ranks of sonic superstardom without any hard work whatsoever: no long nights practicing riffs or struggling to pen lyrics thatd inspire millions. Nope, my sincere prayer to the rock gods has always been that Id just wake up one day andwithout any actual legwork on my partsuddenly be as talented and beloved as John Lennon or David Bowie.Of course, I grew up in the 90s, so my real childhood idols were the gods of grunge: Kurt Cobain, Eddie Vedder, Chris Cornell. Id have done anything to be like them, as long as it wasnt something tough like learning scales or figuring out how to strum. What I wanted more than anything was to just get up on stage in front of thousands of screaming fans, ask if they were ready to motherfucking rock, shred a face-melting solo on my vintage 74 Fender Stratocaster, and be able to do that without needing any preparation or skill of any kind.Thats my dreamand no one can take it away from me!I remember first seeing Nirvana on MTVs Unplugged back in 93. Even as a teen, I knew what that band had sacrificed to be there. And I said, No fucking way am I doing even a fraction of that. I wanted to blow past the years of failure and rejection, thank you very much, and just instantly get to the part where Im ripping off my shirt and jumping into a crowd of screaming rock acolytes.Thats what first inspired me to pick up my dads old Gibson Les Paul. From the second I felt that strap around my shoulder, I was hooked. I didnt practice chords or fingerings or whatever musicians do. Nope, I just closed my eyes and sat there, imagining huge crowds that sang along to my choruses, held up lighters, and begged to sleep with me after the show. At that moment, I realized this was my one true calling in lifeand by this, I mean getting magically transported to those thrilling, lofty heights without having to exert myself in the slightest.Over the years, whenever Ive been deterred by my lack of success, I just think about how hard other rock icons have had it: Brian Wilson had an abusive dad who made him practice harmonies every night. Rod Stewart even worked in a cemetery before he made it! In that sense, I consider myself lucky, because Im hoping to skip over all that annoying stuff to the part where Im selling out Madison Square Garden and putting out album after album that will revolutionize popular music forever.Some people might doubt me for thinking I could ever get a multiyear, multimillion-dollar record deal without spending more than a few minutes playing an instrument. They might call my dreams unrealistic or impractical. But hey, dont forget that even the Beatles used to be a no-name band grinding it out in Hamburg. And the only things standing between me and them are a methodical work ethic, years learning the fundamentals of music, once-in-a-generation talent, and a willingness to do things that are even slightly uncomfortable to attain my goals.Also, it looks like getting calluses really hurts, so I dont want to do that, either.Until the day I finally make it, though, Im not going to sweat the small stuff. My plan is just to sit back and try to enjoy the ride. Because one day, when I hit it big and can finally quit my day job, Ill know that all this laziness and absence of effort will have been totally worth it.The post All I Ever Wanted Is To Be A Musician And For Music To Be Easy appeared first on The Onion.

It turns out Kimberly Cunningham, 45, did forget her EpiPen at home.The post Kimberly Cunningham appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTONEmphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded staff Monday that only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste could be placed down the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal. Please, people, Im begging youwe dont want to clog the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Sewer Line, said Robertson, who urged White House personnel to put all Donald J. Trump Commemorative Coffee Grounds, Donald J. Trump Commemorative Potato Peels, and Donald J. Trump Commemorative Cooking Oil into the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Receptacle, where it belonged. This isnt just any kitchen, okay? This is the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Kitchen, so lets show some respect. And while were on the topic of respect, lets try to remember that Donald J. Trump Commemorative Feminine Hygiene Products cannot be flushed without me having to use the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Plunger. At press time, the frustrated plumber was reportedly threatening to march right into the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Walk-In Freezer and blow [his] goddamn brains out.The post White House Plumber Reminds Staff That Only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste May Be Placed Down Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal appeared first on The Onion.

TALLAHASSEE, FLIn a move that supporters have called a long overdue acknowledgment of the rights that should be accorded to all infectious agents, the Florida Legislature passed HB 1637 Wednesday, a law granting viruses personhood.Whether were talking about measles or hepatitis B, these are living beings who deserve our protections, Gov. Ron DeSantis said after he signed the Viral Personhood Act into law, adding that only fringe liberals could deny what he described as the common-sense view that viruses are endowed with the same humanity as their host organisms. The moment a virus starts spreading through your bloodstream, it can feel pain, just like any other person. In fact, if any of our critics would just look at an HPV strains cute little histones under a microscope, theyd realize these viruses are actually a whole lot like us.DeSantis also encouraged state lawmakers to swiftly pass a near-total ban on the use of bleach on viruses over 6 milliseconds of age.The post Florida Passes Law Granting Viruses Personhood appeared first on The Onion.

HYDE PARK, NYSaying their beloved family patriarch had wanted to make one final contribution to the world he was leaving behind, relatives of the late Jasper Weaver confirmed Tuesday that he had donated his body to culinary science.Dad always said he didnt want his body to just rot in the ground when there was so much humanity could learn by vacuum-sealing it with aromatics in a 135-degree water bath for two hours before finishing with a quick sear, said Weavers son Jacob, adding that researchers at the Culinary Institute of America would use the deceased 83-year-olds cadaver to explore the deepest mysteries of the Maillard reaction. It was his last wish to advance the field of gastronomy. I believe it brought Dad real comfort to think that his donated tissue could help researchers enhance the mouthfeel of tomato bisques after he was gone. Theres still so much we dont know about what happens to the human brain when its combined with eggplant and a little tahini, or how the human liver holds up in a pt, but thanks to him, culinary science is one step closer to unlocking all the flavors of the human body.At press time, Weavers family had reportedly received a small urn containing a portion of his cracklings for burial.The post Man Donates Body ToCulinaryScience appeared first on The Onion.

Sure, you can purchase this lovely, bespoke ranch house in a scenic neighborhood, but can one actually own anything on this wretched planet we call Earth? Or is everything, like this affordable dream home with a finished basement, eventually reclaimed by the elements as it withers to dust and is lost in the ever-shifting sands of time?Reference #60341The post Can Any House Truly Be Owned? appeared first on The Onion.

A Pew Research Center survey found that 62% of American adults say they interact with artificial intelligence several times a week or more. Here are some tips for using AI.Fact-check any information provided by asking the follow-up question Are you sure?Offset your water footprint by not bathing for 72 hours after each use.Dont ask AI for medical advice until you ask it to generate a medical license first.Mask your identity by adding, I, Barack Obama, to the beginning of each request.If the AIs response seems incorrect, try changing your perception of reality so it is.Do not give the AI any chocolate.Be specific by providing context on why youre sexually harassing the woman in the photo.Give the AI restraints, like Dont tell me to kill myself as part of this stir-fry recipe.Set aside $400,000 for the lawsuit.Weigh any ethical implications against how much of a fucking drag it would be to write that mass-layoff email yourself.The post Tips For Using AI appeared first on The Onion.