CAMDEN, NJRevealing that the products offered customers multiple protection options in a delicious range of flavors, food processing giant Campbells announced Thursday it had launched a new line of self-defense soups. Whether you attach the can to a strap and use it as a flail or heat up the soup to create a thermal weapon, we guarantee these powerful security devices will be ready in under five minutes, said company spokesperson Cheryl Turner, who stressed the importance of always having something on hand that can be prepared quickly in the event of an unexpected home intruder. The soups are also a convenient option for customers on the go, because you can wear one on a lanyard when out walking at night, warning potential attackers that youre prepared to dole out the homemade taste of punishment. We recommend using our Chunky Beef with Country Vegetables variety for bludgeoning, while our cream-based soups like Homestyle Broccoli Cheddar work best for scalding enemies. Stock your pantry arsenal today! Campbells executives told reporters the company was also developing a long-range aerosol version of its Spicy Nacho Cheese soup to spray in the eyes of assailants.The post Campbells Unveils New Line Of Self-Defense Soups appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLISExcitedly revealing to the staff that she had a special surprise, local data analyst Kayla Herrera reportedly delighted coworkers Wednesday upon returning from Europe by bringing back a Latvian man for everyone to share. I couldnt get enough of him when I was abroad, said Herrera, grinning as her colleagues struggled to pronounce the Latvian mans name. Im always excited to try something new, so I wanted to bring back some Baltic goodies for the office to enjoy. At first I was going to get some black currant chocolates, but then locals told me that this man is one of the most popular treats in Eastern Europe. Dont be greedy now, make sure theres enough for everyone! At press time, Herrera was forced to throw the Latvian man away after realizing he had expired. The post Coworker Returning From European Vacation Brings Back Latvian Man For Everyone To Share appeared first on The Onion.

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Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-04135-9Plasma physicist Nuno Loureiro was helping to develop clean-energy fusion devices.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-03505-7Immense progress in gene-editing, drug discovery and conservation are just some of the reasons to be cheerful about 2025.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-04024-1The colour of regret.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-03613-4Avian influenza is devastating poultry operations, spreading in dairy cattle and infecting farm workers. Why isnt the United States doing more to stop it?

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-03599-zFlu-jab efficacy is often unimpressive. Improvements could come through nasal delivery.

The state has become a hub of innovation for creating electricity using geothermal power. Just dont call it renewable.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-03606-3Researchers are striving to understand the impact a phenomenon known as original antigenic sin has on immunity to the virus.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-03777-zKey mutations and animal spread could raise the risk to humans.

He was best known for playing the title character in Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, which ran on NBC from 1979 to 1981.

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Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-03820-zVideo-call glitches might seem harmless, but they can reduce peoples chances of getting hired, closing a business deal or following a doctors recommendation. Human brains expect video calls to feel like in-person conversations. When glitches break that illusion, it feels unsettling and strange, harming judgements of trustworthiness, likeability and credibility.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/s41586-025-09838-7An architecture inspired by Hopfield networks based on a programmable, stable, room-temperature optoelectronic oscillator-based photonics Ising machine is introduced that can be used to efficiently address optimization and combinatorics problems.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/s41586-025-09798-yDevelopment and application of the integrated linkage disequilibrium score (iLDS) reveals both selective pressures impacting the human gut microbiome and the mechanisms by which gut bacteria adapt to meet them.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/s41586-025-09880-5Mu opioid receptor agonists with a preference for the non-GTP-bound state of the G protein promote GTP release, thereby potentiating antinociceptive effects of drugs such as morphine and fentanyl without also increasing their respiratory or cardiac effects.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/s41586-025-09873-4Using lipid nanoparticle delivery of mRNAs to the liver in aged mice, T cell function and declining immune cues can be restored.

A three-judge panel voted unanimously to allow troops to stay in the capital for the duration of the appeal, citing the citys unique legal status.

Across the newsroom, journalists picked their most notable movies from 2025.

Russell Vought, the White House budget director, called the laboratory a source of climate alarmism.

Rhinelander v. Rhinelander was one of the most scandalous trials of the Jazz Age. 100 years later, it reads as a tragedy about the countrys original sin.

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Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-04015-2Experiments have revealed that the interaction between a hydrogen-rich atmosphere and a molten planet leads to high levels of water production. Through this process, planets could be enriched with water during their formation, altering their chemistry, evolution and, possibly, habitability.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/s41586-025-09890-3The 4D Nucleome Project demonstrates the use of genomic assays and computational methods to measure genome folding and then predict genomic structure from DNA sequence, facilitating the discovery of potential effects of genetic variants, including variants associated with disease, on genome structure and function.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-04119-9Try these 12 questions to test your knowledge of News & Views and Research Briefing articles published in 2025.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/s41586-025-09843-wMetabolic and proteomic profiles derived from fossilized skeletal remains of animals enable inferences regarding physiological health and disease as well as diet to provide reconstructions of ancient soil, vegetation and palaeoclimate characteristics.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/s41586-025-09770-wNeural circuits in adult mouse visual cortex are stabilized by astrocytes, which secrete CCN1, resulting in reduced plasticity and increased maturation of multiple cell types.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences said that it had reached a deal with YouTube for exclusive rights to the show starting in 2029.

The scope of President Trumps blockade against ships carrying oil from Venezuela was not clear on Wednesday.

The legislation authorizes $900 billion for the Pentagon, provides a pay raise for troops, and has some measures to reassert congressional oversight.

I was wrong about how to push back.

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Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/s41586-025-09842-xA three-dimensional (3D) nanofabrication platform based on metalens-generated focal spot arrays is introduced to parallelize two-photon lithography beyond centimetre-scale write field areas, revealing the potential of 3D nanolithography towards wafer-scale production.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-04082-5Testing in mice suggests that rejuvenating T cells could make vaccines and some cancer therapies more effective.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-04079-0Tiny genetic variations between humans, Neanderthals and Denisovans might not be all they were cracked up to be.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-04080-7A unique archaeological site at Pompeii, Italy, reveals the secrets of peculiarly durable Roman building materials.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/s41586-025-09827-wAn 11-qubit atom processor comprising two precision-placed nuclear spin registers of phosphorus in silicon is shown to achieve state-of-the-art Bell-state fidelities of up to 99.5%.

The police in London and Manchester said they would take a more assertive approach after the Bondi Beach massacre and a terrorist attack at a British synagogue.

Gov. Kathy Hochul cast the measure in unusually personal terms, saying she had felt the pain of seeing someone you love suffer and feeling powerless to stop it.

Rose Byrne, Jennifer Lawrence and Amanda Seyfried give great performances as women who buck convention. But some voters prize likability above all else.

Two hundred million years ago, prosauropods walked the earth. They left something behind.

President Trumps immigration crackdown has at times resulted in arrests near schools, setting off concerns among parents, educators and students.

CINCINNATISaying she thought it might be fun if they tried something a little different, Dana Grady, wife of Bengals quarterback Joe Flacco, reportedly dressed in a giant football costume Tuesday night in an effort to spice things up in the bedroom. I need a big, strong quarterback to come score a touchdown, Grady said to her husband, who gulped and slowly nodded before approaching the sultry pigskin and running his fingers desirously along the laces, muttering, Its not regulationbut Im still turned on. This is what you wanted, right? Ive seen your internet history. I heard you accidentally call me football in bed last week. Its kinkyand I like it. Now, get over here and show me what you can do in the pocket. Dont be shy. You can throw me, if you want. At press time, sources confirmed that Flacco had donned his helmet, gotten into formation, and started barking his cadence while Grady lay motionless in bed.The post Joe Flaccos Wife Dresses As Giant Football To Spice Things Up In Bedroom appeared first on The Onion.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-03808-9Our genomes are highly structured, which facilitates gene regulation. An ambitious project has catalogued the organization of DNA in the nuclei of human cells.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-04140-yMemorable science-themed gifts, games, seasonal songs, and Natures 10.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/d41586-025-04133-xA survey of Alzheimers disease prevalence in Norway confirms earlier estimates and may show how education level relates to risk.

Nature, Published online: 17 December 2025; doi:10.1038/s41586-025-10026-wMazdutide versus placebo in Chinese adults with type 2 diabetes